Cop pull you over? Just be nice

Features column

T. Gamble
Feature Columnist

T. Gamble Feature Columnist

Poor Reese Witherspoon. She spends all her life trying to develop a positive role model and then loses her cool with an Atlanta police officer. As is usually the case in such matters, alcohol is alleged to have played a part.

Watching one’s tongue is much easier to do before it is lubricated with cabernet 1998. A tongue lubricated with wine will spout off all types of words of wisdom, often involving one’s spouse. I suppose it forces particularly memorable phrases because after such a lubrication a fellow is likely to rehear these clever words over and over for, let’s say, the next 50 years or so.

But I guess it beats being lubricated with tequila, which results in picking fights with former professional football players and the like. Tequila may make you bulletproof, but it isn’t worth a damn at blocking a straight right hand at 2 a.m. at Tony’s Biker Bar, where you never would have been to begin with were it not for tequila convincing you that all the tales about knifings and such were not really true.

You see, tequila gives bad directions and is a vicious liar to boot.

But back to Reese. She seems sincere in her apology which was probably aided by the fact the whole thing was on video. Videos have a way of lubricating the truth.

Reese showed her rearend when police arrested her husband for DUI and she began to berate the arresting officer and then pulled the ol’ trump card by saying, “Do you know who I am?”

Word to the wise, if you have to say, “Do you know who I am?,” chances are they either do not know who you are or they don’t care. Either way it is a bad choice and not likely to endear you to the arresting officer. I am far from a genius but even I know that once a policeman has you stopped, only one attitude should exude from you ... nice ... very, very, nice.

They have the ability to throw you in the backseat of a car with no door handles. I know ‘cause I’ve been there. Nothing good can come out of being in the backseat of a car without door handles. They can let you sit and wet your pants, refuse your phone call, and forget they put you in a cell with Bubba the 6-foot-4, 280-pound drunk who gets touchy-feely after noon. They’ll also post your drunken video on you tube which is what the Atlanta P.D. did for Reese.

People try all sorts of ploys to avoid DUI once pulled over by police. It always begins when the officer asks, “Have you had anything to drink tonight?” The answer is usually about as obvious as a pink flamingo in a blackbird swarm but the accused will almost always say, “Only a couple of beers officer.”

Why say only a couple? Does anyone think the police will then say, “Oh, I didn’t know it was only a couple. Drive safe now.” No, they then say, “Well then, you should not mind blowing in this machine, would you?” And, of course, you would rather stick your head in a coal-fired furnace than do such a thing and it is game over.

I’m willing to bet Reese’s husband said, “I’ve only had a couple.” From here on out, remember only a couple may as well be saying “I’d like a DUI please.” Instead, why not say, “I don’t drink officer. I’m a Mormon. Have you read the book of Mormons? I have an extra copy in my glove box if you will give me a second. You can have it and I will follow up with you next week”?

The average Southern Baptist policeman will flee back to the car and you can be left with Reese in the passenger seat talking about who she is.

Contact columnist T. Gamble at t@colliergamble.com.


waltspecht 2 years, 5 months ago

The Book of Morman, I never thought of that. Pretty good idea as long as they aren't one of those Southern Baptists that would now consider you a cult member. Now Jahova's Wittness and a copy of Lighthouse might work better. I guess we might hear your idea used after the concert at the Sasser Flea Market, problem is you spilled the Beans to the Locals already and they are probably already figuring out a classic retort.


Bulldawg 2 years, 4 months ago

The JW publication is called the "Watchower." I can see why you would call it the Lighthouse. :)


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