The loud bang startled me and made me jump. What just fell from behind the door? A bat. Another baseball bat. How many bats can one family have, I thought as I picked it up from where it had rolled on the hardwood floor.
I held it in both hands, ready to trudge up the stairs and put it in the attic along with the three or four other baseball bats already there. But then again...
It was a heavy bat. A sturdy bat. It may come in handy... one day. One should always be prepared for a zombie invasion. I’m beginning to worry that zombies are like aliens... if you say out loud that you don’t believe in them, the minute they come to earth they’ll look for you first. And according to the little bit I’ve read about them, I don’t want to find myself face-to-face with an undead creature whose sole goal is to eat my brain. That would be unfortunate.
A co-worker has long boasted that her husband is a zombie connoisseur, an expert in all things zombie — how to spot one, how to kill one, how to survive if a band of roaming zombies is chasing you through the woods.
I used to make fun of it until I stumbled upon a little article about zombies that changed my mind. That one article led to another... and another... and still more research about these undead roaming once human things that may or may not take over the world.
Did you know that zombies are not superhuman? They can’t run, fly, lift amazing amounts of weight, or read your mind. They do not have selective hearing and can actually hear really well, which confirms to me that my husband is definitely not a zombie. Zombies distinguish prey from other zombies by smell, but nothing is known about exactly what smell attracts them. Maybe it’s sweat, or Mexican food, or patchouli.
Zombies can’t feel anything, so don’t feel too bad when you have to slice off their heads. They like to eat brains. And despite what some people may think and have actually voiced out loud, I do have brains. At least a little.
I learned that when you Google zombies, you are immediately given more than 195 million results. When you search How To Survive A Zombie Attack, you are given more than 2 million results. And when you search Do Zombies Go To The Bathroom (not to be confused with Do Zombies Poop, Do Zombies Drive, or Do Zombies Burp), you find that at least 2.7 people have wondered the same thing. Disturbing.
What I learned about how to survive an attack, however, was quite useful. Get away from the zombies. (Did they even have to tell us this one?)
Gather food, water and weapons (like a baseball bat!). If possible, go to a shopping mall or big store where you’ll have easy access to food and supplies. I’m saying Walmart or Target.
Don’t get surrounded or backed into a corner or other enclosed space. Remember that anyone bitten or killed by a zombie will become a threat to you.
They also threw out these little gems to avoid: Don’t hide in a vehicle to which you have no keys. Don’t leave cudgels or other basic weapons out for zombies to find. (Okay, I had to look up the word cudgel so maybe my brain isn’t as big as I thought. It’s some sort of stick... like a bat!)
Don’t teach zombies how to use firearms. Don’t give your only weapon to anyone who is hysterical. Don’t get into an elevator in a building infested with zombies. And don’t let personal personal feelings get in the way of survival,
Very useful information. I am prepared. I have some canned chicken. Bottled water. Keys to my car. A bat.
And I have just recently started taking the stairs at work, not the elevator... just in case.
Now, if anybody needs me, I’ll be at Target. And if I don’t say hello, please don’t take it personally.
I’m just trying to survive.
Contact columnist Mandy Flynn at email@example.com.