Local elections have just been completed around the state and I have learned a great deal from these races. I listen to local ads on radio, all across the state, as I travel from place to place. Print ads and television are also plentiful as the candidates explain their positions. From all this I have developed “T’s Guide to Sure Election Victory.”
Here are the basics of this groundbreaking election advice book.
First, remember experience really matters and having held office previously should be a great reason to elect anyone to another office, or to the same office. We don’t need novices in office, period. Well, of course, and unless, we need to throw everyone out because it is time for a change. We need change and cannot be successful if we continue like we have always done.
So, elect someone with experience, but make sure they are for some type change.
We also need someone who is for the people. Remember, I represent your views. The problem is, the you hearing the ad may be a neo-Nazi dogfighter, but remember, I represent your views. We need someone who knows the people, except, of course and unless, it is time to get rid of the chummy good ol’ boy system and elect an outsider who presumably knows no one and is beholden to no one.
So, elect someone who knows no one, but represents your views.
We also need someone from here. You know, “I was born and raised in Johnson County, I have worked here all my life and have six grandchildren — 10 if you count the four my boy had with the barmaid at the Lucky Strike Inn — and I, once again, will represent your interests.” Unless, and of course, if we need someone with outside experience who has seen the world and dealt with outside issues. In that case, fresh ideas are welcomed. These fresh and new ideas usually come from a new county arrival with bold ideas about how the county should operate. The new arrival was also usually run out of their previous county for delinquent taxes and running around on their wife, which, by the way, are both excellent qualifications these days for a public servant
A successful ad also needs some mention of children, and even better if the children can garble some type message at the ad’s end. You know, “Vote for Ma Ma she’s the best.” I bet Saddam Hussein ran ads with his children in the background, “Vote for Da Da, he’s swell … and, by the way, he’ll kill you if you don’t.” If you don’t have kids then adopt one, say you’re planning on having some, or just plain lie and borrow someone else’s for a commercial. Truth be known, none of the candidates ever really talk about their grown kids, it is always a 4-year-old grandchild. It is hard to have Junior on the ad all the way from Jackson State Prison or talking about his latest rehab adventure.
Be sure to be in favor of job creation and fighting crime. As a special one-time bonus, also be against litter and for cleaning up the city, even if your own yard has just been featured on “Hoarders.” This type ad will separate your views from those other candidates who are for crime, no jobs and litter. Do not offer a real plan, but say at least five times over and over: “I plan to bring jobs to Johnson County and put an end to crime.”
To show your sincerity, quit your job, creating a job opening for someone and announce being a City Council member in Sparks, Ga., is a full-time job.
Finally, remember money does not matter, as I have a grassroots campaign … except for the letter I sent, which says I need $500 because my evil opponent has received donations from as far north as Fitzgerald and everyone knows money drives politics these days.
I did not run for local office this time, and I approve this message.
Email T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.