T. GAMBLE: Bigfoot may need some big fins

OPINION: When searching for Bigfoot, drop by a diving store

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

The Citizens Times, in an article written by reporter Sue Jones, recently revealed that one of my fellow Terrell Countians encountered what he believed to be a Bigfoot-like creature somewhere near the thriving metropolis of Herod, Georgia.

In fairness to Sue, she made no claim that the story was true ,but simply quoted from the police incident report that was filed by the Terrell County Sheriff’s Department. In this report, it appears the man claimed to have shot a hairy ape-like animal with a bow and then claimed to see several more over a short period of time.

The most stunning claim, however, was that after seeing all this, the man claimed to have seen two Bigfoots swimming in the nearby creek in — get this — scuba gear.

The report did not say so, but I suspect there is an out-of-focus picture of the entire event somewhere.

I must acknowledge that my home of Terrell County has not always been considered a hotbed of higher education. For one, I live here. Enough said.

Now, I would hate to stereotype, but perhaps just this once, indulge me. I’m guessing this guy, whoever he is (Sue had the good taste I lack to not mention his name), was involved in a local Terrell County pastime of searching for, and apparently eating, mushrooms. Combine this with a fourth-grade education and a recent viewing of the latest “Finding Bigfoot” show and, Poof! There you have it — a scuba-wearing Bigfoot.

On the other hand, this story could be true, as everyone knows folks in Terrell County do not lie.

Let me repeat myself: Terrell Countians do not lie. We may stretch the truth, fib a little or tell white lies. Of course, occasionally someone on a witness stand gets a little confused and has to be reminded of the truth from time to time, but we don’t lie.

There are also Terrell County exceptions, which have been established by common law, to the no-lie rule. Basically it is not a lie if told to the IRS; your Mama, wife, or any time you’ve had over three beers. The three-beer rule does open things up a bit and has metamorphosed into the “you can’t tell a lie on the weekend rule” because everyone has had at least three beers.

But, nowhere in the deputy’s report does it say this guy was drinking, talking to his mama or wife, or the IRS. I suspect mushroom usage, but it is only speculation and besides, you still can’t lie if eating mushrooms. It is not an exception recognized in Terrell County. Oh, one other exception … any time you talk about high school athletic accomplishments, one can say whatever they want and it is not a lie in Terrell County. Now, if you claim college sports participation, that is a lie, but not if you’ve had three beers already.

Anyway, I think my fellow Terrell Countian is telling the truth. Think about it for a moment. Bobo has been trying to find Bigfoot for 20 years and now has a TV show “Finding Bigfoot,” but still no Bigfoot. Well, have you ever seen him searching underwater for Bigfoot? No, he looks around the streams, but never under them. How many times has he heard a Bigfoot noise, which from what I can tell from the show is any noise that ever occurs in the woods, and then when he gets down to the water … nothing, zero, nada.

Yep, The Bigfoots are scuba diving and that’s how they hide.

Bobo is out there searching the entire continental United States when, in fact, we need Jacque Coustau looking for him. Maybe they can find Bigfoot at the same time they are looking for the mermaids. They are in the streams and rivers scuba diving, period.

I know it is true because a man from Terrell County said it and we don’t lie.

Email T. Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.