It was brought to my attention this week from an article I read that there are some people who believe Halloween candy is possessed by the devil. Or is it that Halloween candy is the devil? I don’t recall, exactly, but I do remember one woman said, and I quote, that most of the candy sold this time of year – a.k.a. Halloween candy - is dedicated and prayed over by witches.
Well, that explains it.
That explains why that bag of Halloween Fun Size Twix I bought at the grocery store last Friday was three candy bars short before I made it home. I didn’t eat them willingly. The devil made them jump out of that bag and into my mouth. It wasn’t my fault. Darn witches.
Now, I’m not one to usually taunt witches or the devil, especially this time of year. I just find it hard to believe that there are a bunch of witches sitting around chanting over bags of M&Ms and candy corn. Where does this take place? How on earth do they have enough willpower to be around that much chocolate and not eat some of it… at least one? Are Tootsie Rolls given just as much voodoo power as, say, a Hershey Bar because that wouldn’t be fair since Tootsie Rolls are so much smaller? So many questions.
I pause here and admit that I would not find it entirely strange to learn witches do have something to do with that horrible root beer-flavored barrel candy. That shouldn’t be allowed to be called candy.
Regardless of my own preferences, I believe wholeheartedly that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Celebrating Halloween, for many, is not their thing and I totally, completely respect that. But can’t we just leave the candy alone? For one, it’s confusing. If I buy candy that does not come in a plastic bag covered in pictures of pumpkins and bats, is it okay? A nice bag of butterscotch hard candy, for example. Is it possessed because I purchased it at Halloween? What could be worse than possessed butterscotch?
There are quite a few candies I stay away from at Halloween, and not because I think they are incarnations of the devil. I just don’t like them, and when I was of trick-or-treating age my friends and I used to have in-depth conversations and sometimes arguments over what was the worst candy you could find in your trick or treat bag after a night out in the neighborhood. Some of the ones I remember were:
Now & Laters
Bazooka Bubble Gum
Mary Jane candy
Consensus was that Necco wafers taste like chalk, Now & Laters can break your teeth, and Bazooka Bubble Gum can also break your teeth and often taste stale; however, Bazooka does occasionally have cool jokes and cartoons in the wrapper, so it depends on what’s most important to you.
I remember a split jury on the Mary Jane candy. Some people like the molasses peanut butter combination and some people don’t care for it. Me… not so much, but I totally respect the Mary Jane lovers of the world. I just prefer M&Ms, Skittles, Twix and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, which I have no doubt that if there are, in fact, candy witches those are the candies that would be the most hexed, possessed, and damned.
In fact, I am pretty sure that last year’s left over Halloween candy that I casually helped get rid of by cramming it in my mouth was cast with a spell to make my behind larger. Yep.
Email Mandy Flynn at at firstname.lastname@example.org.