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T. GAMBLE: I curse the one who first thought Halloween was a good idea

FEATURES COLUMN: I'm shocked PETA has not yet protested school carnivals, slaughter houses for goldfish

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

Halloween is upon us and I curse the one who first thought this holiday was a good idea. I don’t know who first proposed the holiday, presumably some type Devil worshipping Druid, but all I know is Hershey and every other candy company promoted it to where it is today. I have to buy a bag of candy for class of the 10-year-old Princess’ and a bag for the eight- year-old Hurricane boy’s class. I then need to buy a boatload to give to all the ungrateful little vandals that come scurrying up to my home for free handouts which are mostly my neighbors; sometimes they even bring along their kids.

Then, of course, there is the Fall Festival, which use to be the Halloween Carnival, before the Baptists and politically correct crowd decided that name was demonic even though when they were kids all of them went to a Halloween Carnival dressed like monsters, vampires, and ghosts with little harm except apparently it made them want to change the name of every damn thing in America so the name would not offend anyone, even though otherwise the event stays the same.

The Halloween Carnival, which I shall call it until the day they pry my cold dead hands from a giant tootsie roll, now costs, like an engagement ring, about two month’s salary. But, there is more value in the carnival than an engagement. The engagement usually leads to years of misery whereas the carnival brings a six hour candy high and a 10 pound weight gain to the parent who takes all the candy home and then eats it while hiding in the closet each night for a month.

Now, one must buy a bracelet for each child so they can enjoy all the carnival events without paying individually for each except for any of the events the children actually wish to participate in. Those are all separate and not included in the price of the bracelet. Snacks, drinks, and games are also not included. Come to think of it, I believe the bracelet only covers the go fish tent and the gold fish game.

I’m shocked PETA has not yet protested a school carnival. They are virtual slaughter houses for goldfish. Every kid wins about 12 goldfish. They then take them home where they are flushed down the toilet, left in the car to die a slow death or spilled over under the car seat only to reappear in about ten days when the car smells like the chicken rendering plant near Cuthbert. There is then no choice. The car must be sold for scrap adding to the carnival expense.

There is also the need to buy a costume. The before mentioned ghosts and monsters are now persona non grata. No self- respecting kid would wear such a thing. We need super heroes and celebrity lookalikes. Nothing is quite so adorable as seeing a five-year-old girl dressed like Lady Gaga, who, in case you are not aware, dresses like a Las Vegas hooker only more revealing. These costumes cost only a week’s salary and generally last for at least the first 30 minutes of trick of treating before falling apart.

Yes, I’m really enjoying it all again this year. You know, teaching the kids that threatening to burn down someone’s house will get them free candy and begging in general is a good thing. But for now I gotta’ go, my neighbor loves milk duds and I’m out. He might burn down my house if I don’t have some for the big night. Happy Halloween.