T. GAMBLE: An uncensored time was had by all

OPINION: Glowing nuptial reports brush over real life

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

In desperate times, I occasionally find myself reading articles about local weddings and engagements in local papers.

I’m sure everyone has read the glowing reports of the soon-to-be newlyweds. According to newspaper accounts, the average newlywed just hit the romance jackpot and nothing but clear sailing, fortune and fun await the glowing couple.

I guess that explains America’s 50 percent divorce rate. But I wonder what the announcement would say, uncensored, and nothing but the truth?

The following is such an account, truthful statements added in parenthesis:

Mr. and Ms. John Doe proudly announce the marriage of their daughter, Cynthia Doe (she is pregnant and not sure who the father really is), to Mr. Samuel Jones, son of Mr. and Ms. John Jones (who we despise, as they are the snootiest know-it-all losers we have ever met), of Canton, Ohio (worse yet they are Yankees).

The church was adored in a lovely arrangement of multicolored camellias (those are the only flowers blooming this time of year at the Doe home). Bridesmaids wore beautiful beige strapless dresses with elegant elbow-length white gloves (they looked like they worked at Red Lobster on Saturday night). Little Ginny Doe served as flower girl and mesmerized the audience as she scattered dogwood petals (the Does do have a few dogwood trees also) down the aisle. (Ginny threw up half way down the aisle and had a meltdown, which required the Does to up her dose of Ritalin.)

Mr. Jones, the groom, attended Vanderbilt University (he failed out after one semester) and now works for Jones Enterprise (the family business, which is the only place he could find work that does not drug test). He is vice president of marketing. (They sell toilet paper so the product fits his personality.) Ms. Doe has a career in landscaping (her father owns a riding mower.)

The bride wore a white, laced gown, slightly off the shoulder (which, according to Thelma Lou Johnson, she should have been ashamed to wear white after that episode with the Sigma Ki fraternity). Serving as attendants were the bride’s sisters, Tammy Carson and Sheila Montgomery, along with first cousin Henrietta Boringly (she has no friends and her kinfolks are all that would serve). She was escorted down the aisle by her father (Thelma Lou says that is debatable, as he sure looks a lot like her mom’s old boyfriend, Kenny Runaround).

Cindy Manly sang a stirring rendition of “I Will Always Love You” before the nuptials were taken (Stirring, all right. The last person to sing that song well was Whitney Houston. She’s dead and everyone who heard this version wished they were, too.) The Rev. Charles Holy presided over the wedding as the couple recited traditional vows (The husband may as well have taken a vow of celibacy because that is soon on the way). The couple then lit the unity candle, signifying the joining of their lives as one (and the joining of Samuel’s two ex-wives and Cynthia’s baby daddy, which, as we all know, always works out just right).

After the wedding, the couple left for a honeymoon in the North Georgia mountains (that was the nearest Red Roof Inn with a weekend vacancy). The couple plans to reside in Canton, Ohio (in Samuel’s folks’ garage).

Email columnist T. Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.