If I was in it for the money, I’d’a been a (smurfing) lawyer.
— Macklemore & Ryan Lewis
I know the new year is a few days old now, old enough that most of us have already broken and/or given up on the resolutions we made New Year’s Eve, but I was struck with a seasonal inspiration that I think is worth passing along, even if it is a bit tardy.
Resolutions in this day and age are useless. Self-absorbed as we are, sure, we know what things we need to work on to make ourselves better. But what’s the fun in that?
No, we need to start making resolutions for others, people we know and folks we know of who could use a heaping helping of the supreme knowledge we’ve picked up over the years. Heck, Hallmark or some other greeting card company could make a few gazillion bucks selling specialized cards that specify self-improvement areas that we could send to others listing particular things we think they should work on. (If anyone does this, I’m claiming copyright dibs and expect to get paid.)
Why should we worry about the few extra pounds we put on over the last few months? They look good on us, and it’s all muscle weight anyway. It should be our right to tell a friend or acquaintance how bad their extra weight looks on them
And why is it such a big deal that we’re a few minutes late to work every day? Everybody on the job knows our business could not survive without our unique skill set, and if the bosses aren’t aware enough to kick in a few extra bucks here pretty soon, we’re going to start considering all those job offers that have been pouring in. The guy two desks over, though? They ought to start deducting money for every five minutes that loser misses.
And don’t get me started talking about gossip. Sure, I pass on a few tidbits every now and again, but there’s absolutely no way I would ever spread anything that’s not the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It’s that gaggle of women on the first floor who should be reprimanded or even fired for their inability to keep out of other people’s business.
As for being nicer … Why should I go out of my way to be nicer to the jerks and dweebs I work with when they’re not even close to the same level as me intellectually? I see through their phony cheerfulness and recognize unfiltered jealousy when I see it.
OK, so you’re going to make yourself a much brighter person by reading more and giving up on those moronic reality TV shows and playing a lot less of those mind-numbing video games this year? Well, whoop-de-do. I happen to know regular “Dancing With the Stars” and “The Bachelor” viewers are among the brightest people in America, and whoever heard of anyone improving their knowledge by doing something as mundane as reading words that someone else has written? Personally, I’ll wait until they come out with the movie version.
Heck … this is fun.
I’ve done the introspection thing, and I’ve come to the healthy conclusion that I might need a little tweak here and there — obviously nothing major — but there’s no sense in me wasting time on resolutions when there are so many people around me who could use the benefit of my superior intellect and character. It’s like, hey, you, over there with the non-gluten-free food product … Hope you enjoy killing yourself and your kids by putting that filthy stuff in your mouth.
And, gee, thanks, Mr. Kitchen Products Manufacturer, nice to know you’ve been shooting stuff into our food that’s been killing us slowly with every bite we’ve taken over the years.
Yeah, Ms. Government Official, we elected you to solve our problems, not make them worse. How can you sleep at night with that voting record?
Yep … this is a surefire hit. With so many perfect people out there possessing capabilities that allow them to not only see but accurately point out everyone else’s many flaws, this world will soon eveolve into a much better place. If you’re a novice and aren’t quite sure yet who’s in dire need of your amazing talents, here’s an easy test: Does someone disagree with your point of view? That’s the perfect place to start.
Email Carlton Fletcher at firstname.lastname@example.org.