According to recent reports, the United States may be finally joining the world in its soccer craze. Of course, news reports said this in 2008, 2004, and every year since William McKinley was assassinated. When or if we do, I am sad to say I will not be part of the following.
I have tried to watch soccer and act enthused. I watched part of the finals this time as Germany won over Argentina in a riveting, high scoring match 1-0 in double overtime. The first three hours were scoreless, sort of like all of my high school dates. Everybody ran to one end of the field and then everybody ran to the other end of the field and then they would do it again. Once in a while someone would try to score and usually kick the ball wide of the goal or over it. There were probably more times than I know since I slept through most of it.
I must admit part of my problem is I do not know any of the rules. Well that is not entirely true I do know that you cannot touch the ball with your hands. Now who in the world made up that rule? But, you can bash the ball with your head which apparently causes brain damage causing some of the players to bite each other. I sort of like the biting as it reminds me of professional wrestling. I’m pretty sure Ox Baker would have been a fine soccer player had life taken him in that direction instead of teaming with the Masked Assassins and devoting his life to cheating in every conceivable facet.
Soccer players also appear to become excessively excited over any scored goal. I guess that happens when you run up and down a field for 3 hours before scoring. Most seem to lean sideways, one arm toward the ground and run very fast away from the score. Why are they still running after the score and what are they running from? Don’t these guys ever get tired of running? If I scored after 3 hours of running, presuming I was not already in the hospital, I would immediately lay on the ground in the fetal position requesting a blanket and a cold drink.
I would have to be the goal tender if I played soccer, that is all there is to it. I doubt I could stop a ball at 3 miles per hour but at least I would not be running and running and running. I’d put a cooler and a small TV in one corner of the goal so when action happened on the other end I would not get bored. I’d add a lazy boy recliner so my legs would be fresh before they returned. I’d install a beeper right past the half- way point of the field so when the ball got across I could wake up, along with half the fans watching this stuff on t.v., and jump back into action.
I doubt anyone will want me playing for them but maybe the Germans would. Then again, they tend to be a rather stoic lot so I might not fit in. They won the whole thing but did not riot in the streets and kill ten or twelve folks like they do in Spain or Britain after they win. Even in America we rarely kill anybody after the game, well excepting the Auburn Alabama football game of course. I figure after watching 4 hours of no score the fans have to release somewhere so why not kill a few opposing fans? Anyway, the Germans were proud to win and I’m happy for them but I hope they don’t win too many in a row. Every time Germany starts feeling good about themselves they go and start another war.
Here’s to the next World Cup, hope you enjoy it. I’ll be asleep on the couch.
Email T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.