The words have come from my mouth at least a hundred times. Why didn’t I think of that?
The Snuggie. Capri Sun. Pet rocks. Spanx. Simple ideas that have made people millions and millions of dollars. Perhaps some people’s minds just don’t work that way, aren’t crafty enough to come up with a brilliant, never-before-seen idea and run with it all the way to the bank.
My greatest idea came at age seven when I thought I could fly. I would get on our crickety metal swing set and swing as high as my legs would push me, then jump off and fly a good 10 or 12 feet. I was trying to figure out a way to design a magic swing set that could propel me into space when I made one last legendary jump and face-planted in the yard.
Dirt in my nose and a sore ego was all it took to end my entrepreneurial dreams, but others who have weathered on continue to amaze me. Like the person who invented the Magic Cone, a disposable funnel shaped waterproof cardboard thingy that helps women go to the bathroom in a standing position. Maybe it’s not the circular saw or windshield wipers — which were invented by women, by the way — but any female who has been forced to use a gas station bathroom or the side of a dirt road would have to admit it’s more than a little genius.
My entrepreneurially-gifted better-half comes up with great ideas all the time. Great ideas to him, at least. He is convinced that his most recent brainchild would garner a huge following. Not being a rabid football fan or near as excited that the season starts in just a few weeks, I’m not able to fully concur.
It’s a remote control. What kind? I asked.
I probably shouldn’t have.
It cannot be operated by Auburn fans, Florida fans, or women who have not passed a qualifying test. The mute feature, however, will silence all of the aforementioned, plus Alabama fans, Vandy fans when upset by anyone, Carolina fans, Clemson fans, and Rosie O’Donnell.
To be certified on usage, females must pass the following test. And by pass, he means 100 percent correct answers, which are noted in parentheses following each question, he says.
What year did the Braves last win the World Series? (1995)
When will the Braves win their next World Series? (2015)
At what point of an important game is it permissible to ask stupid questions? (It is not permitted.)
Who is the greatest college football player to ever suit up? (Herschel Walker)
If Herschel Walker were engaged in an equally matched cage fight against the Russian Army, Batman and Ton Loc, who would win? (This is obviously a trick question since there is no possible equal matchup against Herschel.)
I have a suspicion that his self-described remarkable idea is not original and most likely shared by thousands of others who go into a sports-watching induced coma this time of year. I would even venture to guess that there are some women who would enjoy owning one of them. For all I know, there aren’t that many football and Braves-crazed fans around the South that would even buy one …
If you believe that last statement, I’ve got a magic swing set I’d like to sell you.
Email columnist Mandy Flynn at firstname.lastname@example.org.