There must have been at least eight of them, stuck here and yonder on the back of the blue pick up truck driving in front of me down Highway 82.
One on the bumper said, “Jesus Saves.” Another, right behind the driver’s head on the back windshield, declared “Spay and Neuter – It’s the right thing to do.” And another, in white letters on a green background, held its place smack dab in the middle of the tailgate — “Just Because I Have A Truck Doesn’t Mean I’ll Help You Move.”
I love a good bumper sticker. I’m a hypocrite, I guess, because I don’t really like to have them on my own car. But I love to see them on others. Nice little surprises as you’re driving down the road or stuck behind somebody in traffic. Some of them are funny. Others, not so much. Some are thought-provoking and clever. Some are mean. Some, pompous. Some … downright stupid.
I love a good bumper sticker. My definition of good, I suppose, may be vastly different from anyone else’s. No rhyme or reason, really. Just whatever strikes me.
I’ve written down quite a few I’ve seen. Remembered even more. And I think it’s kind of funny that even though I don’t particularly care to own a bumper sticker, I’ve spent way too much time thinking about them. But there are worse things, I guess, than being amused at things like:
I brake for Sasquatch
Just because you have a right to speak doesn’t mean you have to
The new world order – the unaware are unaware that they are unaware of it
I’m not slow – I’m energy efficient
Stupid should hurt
Life is fragile – Handle with prayer
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
To Err is human – To Arr is pirate
What if the hokey pokey really is what it’s all about?
I’ll start exercising as soon as I get into shape
If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, someone else will
Bark less – Wag more
Actually, there are stupid questions
When I was a kid my social network was called outside
To get a man to do something, suggest that he’s too old for it
That voice recognition software is great. Can I get it installed on my kids?
Is there ever a bad time for pudding?
Speak your mind even if your voice shakes
Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to
I do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to
The future belongs to those willing to get their hands dirty
To save time, let’s just agree that I know everything
I’m not bossy. I just have better ideas
Don’t be condescending. (That’s when you talk down to people)
Actually, I’m quite humble. Which is rare in persons of my genius, wit and charisma
Spellcheckers aren’t worth a shirt
Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten
Vuja De – The feeling you’re doing it wrong all over again
Don’t you think if I were wrong, I’d know it?
Before giving anyone a piece of your mind be sure you have enough to spare
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door and the whole world will be clean
There could be worse things, I guess, than having a liking for clever bumper stickers. A big thank you to all who do enjoy having them on your cars and trucks. Because even though I don’t want them on my own vehicle, I do appreciate a good one. Does that make me a hypocrite? I don’t know.
One thing I do know? Spray and Neuter - It’s the right thing to do.
Email columnist Mandy Flynn at email@example.com.