As of Friday, March 21, 2014
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- Why do folks who get up at 3 a.m. to watch British royalty get married or watch soap opera reruns ridicule me for arising at that same hour to go hunting or fishing?
- Why do golfers who hit little white balls into ponds and angrily bend expensive clubs around trees tell me to calm down when I stupidly miss or lose a trophy largemouth? And, considering my high blood pressure, why don’t I heed their advice?
- Why do rat snakes and blacksnakes bite me at least 47 times when I’m only trying to free them from bird-feeder prison or scared, angry women with sharp hoes?
- Why do chiggers find me so appetizing, especially in places I can’t politely scratch in public?
- Why do I, a college graduate and brilliant outdoor journalist, believe Cletus Monroe when he tells me I can stand up in a canoe or kayak if I’m really, really careful?
- Why do I always get the rental boat with the three-days-dead bluegill in the livewell?
- Why isn’t the water moccasin in that same livewell as dead as the bluegill?
- Why does the fishing guide who says, “Alligators never attack people” have a long, jagged scar running from crotch to Adam’s apple?
- Why did I take the trail without those little orange paint blazes on the trees?
- Why is it so dark, why do I need to “go” so badly, and why is the zipper on my sleeping bag stuck?
- Why do U.S. Forest Service road signs innocuously read “FS 69,” “FS 4,” etc. instead of “Turn around, fool, unless you’re driving a bulldozer”?
- Why does my outboard motor never break down less than five miles from the boat ramp?
- Why did I leave my paddle in the truck?
- Why do catfish taste so good when they eat stuff that tastes so bad?
- Why don’t hornets build their nests where I can see them?
- Why was sow-in-heat bear lure ever invented and why am I carrying a leaking bottle of it in my pocket?
- Why am I sitting in a tree stand, three miles from the truck, with a .30-06 across my lap and.243 bullets in my hunting vest?
- Why does my tailgate never close on a cheap fly rod?
- Why did I order the ham-and-cheese omelet and hash browns with onions before going 40 miles offshore in eight-foot swells?
- Why did Isaac Newton fall asleep under a tree fulla ripe apples? Hmm. Thinking on it, kid, I shoulda given you an “A” for that one.
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