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T. GAMBLE: Red wine not healthy? I need a drink

OPINION: A study by Johns Hopkins knocks out last two fun health foods

T. Gamble

T. Gamble

I’ve just been informed that resveratrol — the ingredient in red wine and chocolate touted for actually improving heart health, reducing inflammation in the body and pretty much anything else wonderful — does no such thing.

This information comes from a study by Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, which I guess has pretty good credentials. I was hoping maybe this was a study from Helsinki University in Finland, which has announced in the past a cure for baldness — if you are wondering if it was true, look at me — a way to build muscles at 80 and look 20, etc.

But, no, this information is from a very reputable source, so I guess I can quit drinking a quart a day of Mad Dog 20-20. Some people may say that Mad Dog 20-20 is not red wine, but some people have obviously never drank Mad Dog 20-20, which is dark, dark red and, like its very name, prone to make one act like a redneck after consuming a quart.

But I digress. Johns Hopkins found no health benefits from drinking red wine or from eating chocolate. This means two more food favorites are off the health food list, leaving now only … well, only … well, OK, leaving absolutely zero foods that taste good in the healthy food zone.

As I read somewhere the other day, no one ever craves a carrot stick at 2 a.m. Now, a bowl of strawberry ice cream and some cheesecake is a whole ‘nuther story. On the other hand, Johns Hopkins has probably never done a study to see if a bowl of ice cream at 2 a.m. is healthy.

I’d venture to guess more than one relationship has been saved by a bowl of late night ice cream. If you don’t believe it, try this next time you have a blowout argument with your significant other, which these days can be anything from opposite sex to same sex to an assortment of zoo animals. Instead of escalating the fight, go to the other room and eat a giant bowl of ice cream.

See, we’re feeling better already aren’t we? And, if this does not work it is great fun to dump ice cream on someone you are mad at.

But why must potato chips be bad for you? What’s wrong with eating half a pecan pie with ice cream on top? Why can’t a yeast roll be full of vitamin C and D? Yes, these are questions I have for the good Lord once I get there and, yes, I know someone, somewhere is saying, ‘What makes you so sure that’s where you are going?’

Well, even if you end up getting turned down at the gate, I think the Lord will meet with you briefly and I plan to use that time to find out why.

I’m sure the news about red wine will be devastating to all my health conscience friends, of which I actually have none — health conscience friends that is, although maybe friends in general. Everyone I know that drinks red wine does so with the smug self-assurance that comes only from knowing one is taking care of their health and enjoying it, sort of like the running fanatic that talks about the endorphin high from running six miles a day.

I, on the other hand, talk about the cramp in my leg from running. But you know how it goes. “I feel wonderful since I began to drink red wine. They say the French live eight years longer because they drink it every meal,” says Sally as she pours her fifth glass of red wine and stumbles down the hallway.

I’ve said the same about Tequila: “Man, this Tequila makes me feel great. Here, hold my drink while I jump on the back of this bison.”

Well, red wine must do something good. After all, the French can’t be wrong every single time , can they?

Email columnist T. Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.