In my spare time I tend to spend more time than I should watching sports.
I’m happy watching football, baseball, car racing, golf, horse racing, basketball and — if sports are really in short supply — reruns of the World’s Strongest Man competition, which I think is on the air 24 hours a day somewhere. I’ll also watch bowling and tennis, in a pinch.
In observing these athletes, I’ve noticed a few truisms.
First, if you are a professional golfer and have an ugly wife, something is bad wrong with you, and I do mean bad wrong with you. As a whole, pro golfers are homely, poorly built, gooberish people … that is, until their wives meet them on the 18th green after they just won a million dollars. Then, they usually look pretty sporty beside their always good looking, but usually wholesome type adoring wife with the obligatory two or three adorable kids toddling beside them as they go to be interviewed about the big win.
I may be stretching it a bit, but I doubt Matt Kuchar, who makes Howdy Doody look cool in comparison, could land a hot babe if he were not a pro golfer. But it just goes to show that women are not shallow like men and base all their decisions on good looks. Maybe on money, but never just good looks.
Pro football players, on the other hand, marry super sexy, sultry, swimsuit and Victoria’s Secret models with names like Geisha and Pandora. They never have children bouncing around and spend their free time jetting to Bora Bora or the Cayman Islands. Basketball players don’t get married because they spend all their time in strip clubs, but they do appear to have lots of children — just not always with their wife … or even the same woman.
In the same vain, country music stars, although not technically sports stars — unless you consider drinking 18 beers in a night and spinning a doughnut in your ex-wife’s boyfriend’s yard a sport — love to get married. There is hardly a single star among them.
They get famous at 20 and get married six days later. Now they may get married six more times to six more folks, but, by God, they get married.
I think they get married so they can cheat on their wife and then write songs about how bad life is without the wife they cheated on, who they cheated on because they could not stand her in the first place. But now they can pledge undying love to the woman who has taken everything from them — except their broken heart.
Rock stars, on the other hand, never, ever get married. Well, maybe every now and then, like Ozzie Osborne, but let’s face it. He hasn’t known what he’s been doing for over 30 years.
A true rock star roams the world with a different woman every night and by age 40 can no longer spell cat.
Baseball players, in my mind, are the most likely to wander.
They go on 12-game, 15-day road trips six or eight times a year. A baseball team is practically a traveling fraternity house, except these kids have loads of money.
Can you image watching 162 baseball games a year? Add 30 pre-season games and 40 practices and it is a wonder they don’t storm the town like raging elephants when the game is over.
I’ve yet to see any women on the pro bowlers tour, but who knows? They may have groupies following them like rock stars.
I guess it all doesn’t really matter, so I’ll turn golf back on and wait for the 18th green.
Email columnist T. Gamble at firstname.lastname@example.org.