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Photo by Vicki Harris

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OMG, the words just slip out

Features column

The mistake was made. There was no turning back. “When are you due?” he asked as he settled into his chair. The words hung stagnant in the air, begging to crawl back into his mouth.

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A mature ladies swim costume?

Features column

“Welcome!” the young woman said as I walked through the door of swimsuit heaven — or hell, as some affectionately call it — a store filled to the rafters with tops and bottoms of seemingly all makes and models of bathing suits. Green ones with stripes and pink ones with polka dots and neon blue ones with fringy things hanging from each. I’d rather not say.

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Nothing to do with this, but ...

Maybe the elderly lady in the blue pantsuit didn’t realize her voice carried louder than she thought it would in the busy room, but we all looked up and straight at her when she said, “This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but did you ever wonder why Pluto walks on four legs and Goofy walks on two like a man?”

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Can I call them yoga pants?

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It was a dark and stormy night. Harsh winds startled the yard ... trees swayed, limbs rattled, rain falling sideways pelted against the windows. I gazed out the window at the ruckus outside. Would it last long? Would it pass over?

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Lifesaver tip goes over like a dud

Features column

The urge was overwhelming. Should I keep my mouth shut? Should I tell her? I didn’t know this woman, had never seen her before in my life.

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We all tartle sometime

Features column

Pardon my tartle. Excuse me?

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Can I quote you on that?

Features column

My book overfloweth. A few years ago I started this little habit of writing down quotes that I come across. Not just any ones. The ones that make me stop and think. Others that make me laugh. Many that simply make me go hmmmm.

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Squish, a release then it is all over

“What’s it like?” she asked, and I inhaled quietly and put down the bottle of water I was poised to drink.

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Be kind in a nice way

Features column

‘I am too busy to be nice,” she said, and I looked up to catch a glimpse of the person who would say such a thing out loud. She wasn’t an old woman, maybe 50 at best, and her hair was pulled back in such a way that you couldn’t see her eyes, not clearly, anyway.

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World goes on, as do my secrets

Features column

If you are reading this, then the world did not end as so many had expected it to on Friday.

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A good dog won’t steer you wrong

Driving into work today I let my mind wander as I often do. How nice it would be, I thought, to be one of those fancy people who has a driver — you know the kind, the ones on television who say things like, “I’ll call my car to come pick me up,” or “Driver, take me to the such and such.”

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‘Tis the season of butts, boobs

Features column

I didn’t have to hear the commercial or see the ad to know it was back. A total stranger let me know. ‘Tis the season.

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Black Friday draws interesting crowd

Features column

It was half past 10 the day after Thanksgiving that I ventured out into the real world. By that time, many of the diehard Black Friday shoppers were either asleep in their cars or home, and there were no fist fights or wig snatching brawls in sight.

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So, that’s what all the fuss was about

Features column

I so get it now. It took a while, years actually, but I get it now. I used to get so mad when my siblings would come home after being away for long periods of time. College and what-not they would be, then one day call and say, “I’m coming home.” That’s when it would start. The pots a’banging. The pans a’frying.

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Memories of Thanksgiving warm the soul

Features column

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I don’t know who said that first, but with each passing year, each fleeting moment, I believe it more and more.

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I’m craving a mystery

I felt it driving home the other afternoon, that gnawing feeling deep in my core. I wasn’t hungry, but wanted something to eat. I was craving ... craving ... What exactly was I craving?

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What have you learned lately?

‘What have you learned lately?” the woman asked and the room full of people sat in silence, myself included. It’s not all about books and papers, lectures and talks, she went on to explain. You’re learning every second of every day.

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Reports of my bean-shelling exaggerated

Features column

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a rebuttal of Mandy Flynn’s column last week submitted by her husband, Mike, under the Fair Household Response Act.

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New lesson dusted up

There are a few things I have learned after 21 years of marriage.

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So, what color is a camel?

Features column

I get Linus. Completely. One hundred percent. I get Linus because he has a need to carry around a blanket, a blue one that he, on occasion, throws over his shoulder, drags on the floor and even wraps around his head. I get Linus because I, too, have a blanket. And I am not ashamed.

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Ain’t no excuses for bad grammar

There are a few advantages to having a big sister who is an English teacher. I can text her things like, “Is it shone or has shined?” and “Do I say farther or further?” and she texts me back the proper usage without passing judgment.

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CTJ meetings mean business

I’m not sure if I was supposed to overhear the conversation taking place to my right. Nonetheless, it was out of my control as one woman sighed heavily, threw her arms up in the air, and declared quite dramatically that she was at her wit’s end.

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Season evokes painful memories

The first day of fall was yesterday. When I was much younger I used to think that the official first day of any new season was supposed to be magically different — leaves would suddenly be brilliant orange and yellow on the first day of fall, snow had to cover the ground on the first day of winter, and I always thought you had to, just had to, go to the beach on the first day of summer.

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'There's nothing worse than ...' gets you thinking

The line to check out was long, at least six people deep and no cashier in sight. The lady at the front kept turning around and apologizing that she'd needed a price check on her can of furniture polish.

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That show sho’ is aggervatin’

I would like to publically apologize to my friend Rhonda. I knew not what I was doing when I introduced you to that awful, terrible habit.

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Strangers help us on our way

‘Can you help me?” I looked up from my self-absorbed walk through the lobby to see a little lady standing by the brown, wooden table up against the wall near the doors of the post office.

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What the spin on goat smart?

Features columnist

She said it with such conviction, such authority, without an ounce of question, that I couldn't help but think it was true.

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Just wash away those thoughts, dear

My husband thinks I’m trying to kill him. Oh, this subtle paranoia has been going on for years — 21 years this Friday, in fact. Every blue moon I will hear the six familiar words, “Are you trying to kill me?” coupled with some scenario of how he thinks I am surely plotting his demise.

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No one frets like a mom

‘Uh, oh.” I was drifting off to sleep in the backseat, sandwiched on five inches of seat between the car door, two pillows, a bag containing a box of Oreos, an extension cord, and socks, a duffel bag, a futon and a television.

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My heart will get stronger

Features column

No matter how many years you prepare for it, it's an emotional event when your child goes off to college.

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Grouchy? Just sleep it off

If it can get Snoopy, is there really any hope for the rest of us?

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Sometimes you just dummy up

Two women standing in front of me in the checkout line this week obviously hadn’t seen each other in a while. Although I’ve often thought I have certain ESP-esque gifts, this instance didn’t require any intuitive brainpower.

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The treasure is in the journey

There is a box. “A box,” I said aloud in quiet amazement as my Alabama cousin told me the story of the box, the small, metal box he and my older brother buried years and years ago in a field.

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1D’s swooping the girls’ hearts

Question: If the sound of a jet taking off equals around 180 decibels and the sound of a whisper equals about 20 decibels, what does about 140 decibels equal? Answer: Tuesday night.

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Steer clear of striped signs

When you're in a teaching moment with a teenage daughter who's about to get her learner's driving permit, watch the signs closely.

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Summer day a solemn one

The ground was damp from the previous day's rain. It was still thirsty, though, and I know this because I heard three gentlemen say it was so and I believed them. Standing there just on the edge of the grass where it met the tired path I was walking on, they rocked slowly on their heels and looked up at the sky.

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It’s not cheesy to say thanks

Last time I looked they were still on the dining room table in a neat little pile. Three piles, actually. Written. Blank. And envelopes.

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Fig Newton’s still rockin’

The memory took me by surprise. Was it the smell, sweet and fruity ... or maybe the bright yellow of the package on the seat next to me?

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Those dogs need a bath

She had, undeniably, grocery store feet. “She has what?” the woman asked in surprise and the young girl lifted up one bare foot and revealed its underside, a sole ranging in shade from brown to grey to near ‘bout black in places. We were not in a grocery store, but outside on a hot afternoon.

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Ending brings new beginning

‘Come in,” a deep, low voice mumbled from behind the closed bedroom door and I turned the knob and slowly pushed it open to reveal my first born, now a teenage man child, propped against pillows and watching television, a computer on his lap.

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Miss Mary’s teachings on Mama said

Who originally wrote it, I don’t know. But I know where my copy came from. It’s been folded and re-folded a couple of dozen times, read and re-read when I needed a chuckle or wanted to make someone else laugh.

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Tobacco spitter short on decency

We interrupt this column for an important announcement about common decency.

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You can’t doll up devilish cows

I saw a sign in a store once. Not a sign, really, but rather a little slip of paper taped to the side of the cash register. I was buying some gum.

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Hair’s to silent suffering

Somewhere in the Bible it says that God knows every hair on our heads. Comforting, it is, but I have to wonder — does he know about the freakishly long scary ones that appear out of nowhere in the most obscure places and continue to come back time and time again no matter how often we yank them out?

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Is that ‘Jaws’ music I hear?

Why you need a cell phone out in the ocean and other things men don't seem to understand.

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I’ll take ‘baby food’ for $200, Alex

It was, in my opinion, awkward.

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Laws that no longer apply

Call me a rebel. I wore white and it’s not even April yet.

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Hometown boy does us all proud

‘Do you know him?” my sister asked and I paused, but only for a moment.

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Seeds of futility planted deep

There was a chill in the air as I walked down the hallway, my head hung low in guilt and shame. I slowly turned the deadbolt. The door creaked open and a rush of cold air washed over me as I stepped barefoot onto the brick. I wasn’t ready for this. Not again. Not so soon.

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Moms display super powers

Chinese food. It was a good choice for a Monday night, having just pulled back into town after a long day in Atlanta.

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Ranting mom far from cute

‘Excuse me,” she said and I turned from my perusal of the wall of cute khaki and navy pants to a woman standing near me holding up a blue and tan striped tank top and a blue skirt. “Do you think these look good together? Cute?”

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Beauty’s there if you’ll look

He who seeks beauty will find it. Funny how the words struck me recently as I sat on our couch and watched a documentary — not something I can admit I’ve said a lot, mind you.

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Pregnancy can leave you 'defeeted'

She was having a hard time.

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Life is filled with learning

‘What did you learn today?” I asked and was met with a look of surprise.

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Shopping with a baby’s a gas

Obviously, the baby was fussy. “What do you think it is?” the man, apparently the father of the little person wiggling around in a blue, padded stroller in the middle of the electronics section of Target, asked.

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Who have you butt dialed lately?

“Hello? Hello!”

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Bits of past still glitter

I remember a lot of them. Bits and pieces, some of them. Memories of Christmas.

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Christmas a quiet comfort

“Once you wrote about a comfortable peace at Christmas,” this person wrote. “Please tell us again.”

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Folgers offers a powerful cup of coffee

Damn you, Folgers coffee.

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What a putty at Christmas

Dear Santa, I know it’s been a while since I’ve been in touch — a couple of decades, at least — and I’m really sorry about that.

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What do salon techs really say?

There are many truly thought provoking questions in life that render me sleepless.

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Add health history to holiday talk

Consider my soap box officially out and I am climbing up on it. Can you hear me?

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Morning’s off to good start

Forever lazy. A doughnut ... maybe. And a compliment. Three things that make for a pretty good start to the day.

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Thanksgiving’s not on aisle 3

‘Where is it?” she said, loud enough for all of us around her to hear, three ladies and a little girl standing in the aisle of the drug store.

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I don’t do scary

‘Come on, it’ll be fun!” she said, her eyes wide and her head bopping up and down. She was overly excited, my friend was, trying to convince me to go to a Haunted House over the weekend.

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Planning gets a little pricey

In my next life I want to come back as a calendar maker, the CEO of some big company that puts papers printed with days of the month, of the year, together in leather bound books.

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The flavor is all in the right cut

Hurrying not so long ago to make a turkey with cheese sandwich to toss into my daughter’s lunchbox, I had just drawn a knife carefully through the wheat bread hugged creation when I said out loud, “Sandwiches cut on the diagonal taste better than ones cut up and down.”

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Wink from God brightens day

God winks are tiny gestures that fill your heart with reassurance.

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Hey, haven’t seen you since ... ever

It was a classic case.

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Laughter does a soul good

There are times when you just need to laugh.

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Can, should 2 different things

‘Just because she can doesn’t mean she should.”

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Not since the days of Marsha ...

It’s my own fault, I know, for breaking a cardinal rule of good mothering — Thou shalt not ask close-ended questions.

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Summer rain come this way

I like this music," I told my daughter and began to sway my head back and forth in some semblance of a beat to the chippy tune playing on television. The day's weather prognostication rolled by as an area map showed spots of green inching across the little county outlines. Hallelujah, rain was on the way.

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