August 18, 2011
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Federal Officials scouring Internet’s vast wasteland
Features Column
We now live in the enlightened age of electronic wonder, which means I can look you up on Facebook and find out that Publix no longer has the cheapest steaks and you messed up and bought them there before realizing that they were 40 cents a pound cheaper at Food Lion.
Charlie Daniels still fiddlin’ hot
Features Column
This past weekend, I went to Wild Adventures with the wife, 8-year-old Hurricane boy and 9-year-old Princess.
Put my kid in there, coach
Features Columnist
Well, I know summer is almost here because the 7- and 8-year-old machine-pitch baseball league is holding the year-end tournament to decide which team managed to sneak in the most 9- and 10-year-olds to win the tournament.
Common man’s buying guide
Features column
Recently I was reviewing a brochure with hundreds of tracts of land for sale and also the same number of houses.
Possum gave country music meaning
Features Columnist
The 8-year-old Hurricane Boy has been strangely quiet as of late. Of course, that probably means a Category 5 eruption could be around the bend at any moment.
Rest easy, America, the FBI will handle it
Features Column
The late great Lewis Grizzard once wrote a book titled “Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself.” Well, I don’t feel so great myself, but don’t tell thousands of Elvis impersonators across the country that Elvis is dead. Every town with a population of at least 100,000 has an Elvis impersonator, and they even have a yearly contest to name the best each year.
Sears' photo demise a negative development
Features Column
If you need any further proof that our society is crumbling at its core, I now read that Sears has decided to discontinue family portraits.
Letter to Santa a bid for biddies
Features Column
The letter was sweet and to the point, as are most letters written to Santa Claus.
Arming New Yorkers might help
Features column
Well, it took a few years but we finally have the great gun debate going on throughout the land. Ban them all or keep them all; depends on whether you live in Dawson, Georgia or New York City as to where you fall on the issue.
Wanted: One adventurous woman
In case the Taliban and Al Franken aren’t enough to worry about, Harvard Professor George Church recently announced he wishes to clone a Neanderthal man.
Motivational speaker tells of Vegas secret
Well, the holidays always bring a surprise or two but thankfully not nearly as large a surprise as Suzy Favor Hamilton revealed.
Motivational speaker tells of Vegas secret
Features column
Well, the holidays always bring a surprise or two but thankfully not nearly as large a surprise as Suzy Favor Hamilton revealed.
Elf is something I'd like to shelf
Features column
Elf On a Shelf. Elf on a Shelf. May the creator of this plague upon Christmas holiday tranquility be forced to celebrate Christmas with Rosanne Barr and Ellen Degenerate.
Ovens for boys a half-baked idea
Features Column
In the never ending effort to pretend that everyone is exactly the same and to prove that no one can say anything about anybody without being either prejudiced, stereotyping, or profiling, I see where a petition has been made to Easy- Bake Oven to include boys on their boxes in advertising.
I am thankful for Parton and being an American
Features column
Well, Thanksgiving has now come and gone but reasons for being thankful continue. I’m first thankful to read that Dolly Parton has now come forward and denied rumors and allegations that she is gay.
Thankful for the love of an Angel
Opinion column
It was love at first sight, at least for her. But who could blame her staring intently back at me? After all, what’s not to love? Dark raven black hair, steely dark eyes, and an anxious gaze of anticipation all told me this would be a match made in heaven.
Election’s done; have a slice of fruitcake
Opinion Column
Well, the presidential election has finally ended, and now you will no longer be entertained by an avalanche of ads.
Maybe America won’t miss a beat
By the time this article is read, the presidential election will be decided. I can’t possibly predict the results, but it got me to reflecting back to simpler times when I was a much younger man.
Come this Wednesday, let the horror scenarios begin
Opinion Column
I traveled this past weekend to Hilton Head to visit my wife’s relatives. The 7-year-old Hurricane boy and 9-year-old princess found out we were leaving for the beach and ran the car down before I could get out of the driveway.
Here’s some change you can believe in
Opinion Column
Two weeks ago, France celebrated one of its great achievements in history. No, it was not the fact they managed to last 10 days before Germany routed them in World War II, nor was it celebrating the French 32-hour work week and 54 weekly paychecks in a 52-week year. Those accomplishments are already being continually celebrated in France while the Germans work overtime to pay so the French do not have to work.
Brother, can you spare a tire?
Features column
It is now official. America is going to hell in a handbasket. This fact is very disturbing and it may even be more serious than I know because, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what in the world going to hell in a handbasket really means to begin with.
What the doom was I just saying?
Features column
The 7-year-old Hurricane boy is currently playing football in a tackle football league. He’s playing what we use to refer to as midget football. I guess it is no longer politically correct to say midget football and I’m not sure what I am supposed to call the game he is playing.
Money makes world go round
The 9-year-old princess girl was expounding on the qualities she felt essential in a marriage partner. “He’d need to be caring, daddy, and a good person. He’d need to love animals and love God, too, daddy.” I could feel a tear building up in my eye. The sweet, sensitive, all caring little princess then finished with the grand finale, the clincher, “and own a bunch of land and be rich too.”
No crown required when I get to a retirement home
As all men know, time marches on. Although I do not consider myself old, I realize that somewhere down the line I may be faced with the prospect placement in a nursing home or as more fashionably titled these days, an assisted living home.
Kate joins the royal nudity club
Just when I thought Prince Harry and the British Royal Family were through with further public humiliations, the news is now abuzz that Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, and commonly known as Kate, has been photographed topless.
Prince Harry and Auburn fans are facing hard times
As described in a previous article, Prince Harry of Britain romped in the buff throughout Las Vegas and used the judgment of Lindsey Lohan allowing one of the women with him to take pictures of the joyful occasion.
Good behavior isn't something that's being broadcast
The 7-year-old hurricane boy, 9-year-old princess girl, mamma and poor ol' daddy went to town to return some shoes that were too small for the princess. Rest assured, it was not my idea. I've never returned an item to a store in my life. If I got home and had a tutu in my bag, I'd wear it.
Prince’s Vegas ‘secret’ gets bared
It was some time ago when the 7-year-old hurricane boy was not quite yet six. We were visiting an old friend, both in his age and the years we’d shared together.
Women at Augusta National?
I recently read the following headline from U.S. News & World Report concerning an article by Health Day reporter Alan Mozes. The headline read, “College Students Who Binge Drink Say They’re Happier.”
If you must drink too much, wear pants
There are many mysteries in the universe for which there seems to be no answer. How did they build the great pyramids and why?
Wholesome TV just a pipe dream now
Recently I read where Don Grady, the actor who played the character Robbie on the long-running TV series “My Three Sons,” died.
Cussing works across the generations
As a general rule, I do not spend much time envying what someone else has. I must admit, however, I do envy those rare guys who keep all their tools neatly aligned in their shop.
Family pet decides fate of baby goose
The 8-year-old princess girl has been on a real rampage to salvage the world. The princess would make Sally Struthers look like a cold-hearted grinch.
San Fran laws strips away modesty
The beautiful city of San Francisco, Calif., which gave us such wonderful treasures as Nancy Pelosi and America’s first Gay Day Parade, has now added another feather in its hat. It seems that San Francisco, by law, allows anyone to walk the public streets of San Francisco in the nude and to enter any business establishment that serves the public, nude as well.
Maybe there's an award for the most trophies
Last week, I went down to Destin, Fla., to attend the Georgia Press Association's awards dinner. The awards dinner is designed to give awards to newspapers for excellence in coverage, articles written, editorials, etc. I was a beneficiary of one of the awards and will not bore you with the details. Rather, I noticed a growing trend concerning awards.
I ain't just playing possum here, folks
I, like many Americans, have now decided that I will be dropping out of America's labor force. At least, I intend to drop out from my current position as a small-town lawyer and try to move my life into another direction.
‘Follow the leader’ isn’t very relaxing
While vacationing at the beach, I have noticed a few phenomenons which I think are universal to the human race.
Friends move with winds of time
The little 7-year-old hurricane boy is sad. There is nothing much worse than seeing a sad hurricane. If this continues, he might become a tropical depression. He's sad because one of his good friends may not be returning to his school next year.
New Yorkers face soda pop cops
In case you needed another reason to avoid going to New York City, Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on serving sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, delis, sports arenas and movie theaters if the drink is more than 16 ounces.
Summertime's nothing to snipe at
This past week at church the younger children sang a few songs at the 11 o'clock service. On this particular occasion, the kids met about an hour before service and practiced the songs they would sing. There had been no practice previously, so they had to learn the songs that morning prior to singing.
Certainties in life dog us always
Benjamin Franklin once famously stated there are only two things that are certain in life, death and taxes. I’m never one to quibble with the founding fathers but I think there may be a few other things that are certain in life.
Poor judgment with toothache by Marek Olszewski
Life has many lessons that one must learn over the years. Some are relatively simple such as don’t put your hand on a hot stove. Other lessons may take time to learn and some you would not even consider until the situation arises.
Cell phones more crafty than smart
As we all know, technology is rapidly evolving such that what was very useful a few years ago can become obsolete almost overnight. I am constantly amazed at how something that seemed to be perfect a few years ago can become “old hat” a few years later.
Inspiration gets whupped up at one sorry breakfast
The 7-year-old hurricane boy continues to plough through life unabated, leaving a path of destruction and mayhem wherever he goes.
That Miss Universe ... what a guy!
Just in case there is any need for further proof that I am being trampled and left behind in the dust of changing values in this country, I learn that the Miss Universe Pageant has decided to allow transgender women to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant.
Real men don't cry over sports
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article concerning basketball's March Madness. The article was titled "March Madness Turns Into Crying Game." It was talking about the recent trend where players cry after crushing defeats or uplifting wins.
Swinging time in Vegas left me rattled
For the first time in my sheltered life, I went to Las Vegas. Sodom and Gomorra look like a tent revival compared to Vegas.
A fruit fly walked into a bar and ...
I remember somewhere around junior high school studying genetics. All the studies seemed to revolve around the behavior of fruit flies.
Bacon may bring you closer to heaven
Just in case there is not enough news from the city of Detroit to disgust you, I’ll add one new tidbit. You may have seen where Amanda Clayton won $1 million in the lottery and was then followed by Channel 4 Detroit News, which showed her still purchasing food on a Bridge card, which is the state version of food stamps in Michigan.
What would you spend $8,100 on?
In the continuing saga of Americans willing to pay for any item known to man that supposedly looks like any other item known to man, I am now stunned to learn that a Chicken McNugget found by Rebekah Speight of Dakota City, Neb., which is alleged to have looked like President George Washington, sold for $8,100 on ebay.
A little wine goes a long way in France
I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal titled “Why French Parents are Superior.”
We pick up the tab for other people’s ‘fun’
I’m increasingly amused by the newest arguments over contraceptives. As everyone knows, the president has ordered insurance companies must provide contraceptive coverage for anyone being insured by an employer.
What constitutes an emergency?
I saw recently where Congress and the president have agreed to continue the current program of providing cell phones, free of charge, to anyone who is receiving food stamps. (When did 911 become the number to call for emergencies? Take the Quik Quiz to find out.)
‘Express yourself’ on that special day
Well, they held the big event again Sunday night. I’m talking, of course, about Madonna’s halftime show. I mean, did anyone really care about the Super Bowl?
Ghost show spooks princess
A few weeks ago, I wrote about watching “Finding Bigfoot” with the 7-year-old hurricane boy. He loves to watch anything involving monsters, dinosaurs or destruction.
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