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T. Gamble

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T. GAMBLE: Celebrating labor in a laborless society

OPINION: Somebodys gotta pay for that drenched iPhone

The Labor Day holiday weekend is upon us. This holiday is becoming a very confusing holiday given that newest statistics indicate over half of the adult U.S. population no longer works.

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T. GAMBLE: Global warming made me do it

OPINION: Nothing bad happens that can’t be explained away by climate change

If my planned movie about a south Georgian family coping with a family member’s pursuit of a sex-change operation fails, it won’t be because of a bad script, lousy acting, botched directing or poor cinematography.

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T. GAMBLE: 2015 a tough year for those of us stuck in 1975

OPINION: Choices are narrowing to chicken sandwiches and 8-track stereo

When I grew up I knew I had a choice. Go to college or go to the army. Live in South Georgia or move away. Get married or stay single. Stay drunk or sober up. Not one single person ever told me I could choose to be female instead of a male.

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T. GAMBLE: Here's a High Life to a long life

OPINION: Three beers and a shot every day? I'll drink to that

Agnes Scott, 110, attributes her long life to three beers and a shot of whisky every day. Finally, a longevity plan I can buy into.

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T. GAMBLE: These days, we're playing it too safe

OPINION: America is wimping out on personal responsibility

It is difficult to even breathe now without some warning, or safety device, being thrust upon us.

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T. GAMBLE: Some pig's hogging all the ice cream

OPINION: Pot-bellied pig struggles with dog days and ramps

Some Pig lived his first year in my backyard with access to the sun porch when too hot or too cold. But, alas, the good times came to an end, precipitated mainly by the fact he weighs about 250 pounds. Whoever first coined the phrase “greedy as a pig” sure knew what he was talking about.

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T. GAMBLE: Let's vote Pluto a promotion

OPINION: Pluto was reclassified as a dwarf planet a few years ago

After the closer inspection of Pluto by a U.S. spacecraft Wednesday, perhaps scientists will vote to reclassify it as a planet.

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T. GAMBLE: Fancy food? Just pass me the chicken

Just look at the Food Network or 10,000 other food shows on television these days. They show how to cook everything from a snake to a grasshopper.

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T. GAMBLE: Baking up some controversy

OPINION: Walmart nixes cakes with Confederate battle flags

Businesses and people seem to have diffrerent sets of rules as to what is offensive, depending on what the popular notion is at the time.

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T. GAMBLE: South Koreans need Duggarish birthrate boost

OPINION: Low birthrate has population in deep downward spiral

Averaging 1.187 babies per woman, South Korea could become a population of the past in seven or eight centuries.

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T. GAMBLE: America the melting pot is really melting

OPINION: I think I am, therefore I am

Forget switching genders, now you can switch race and ethnicity with just a thought.

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T. GAMBLE: When the time is right to hop away

OPINION: Jim the Toad had been with us for almost two years

For some time, I impressed upon the Hurricane the need to set Jim free. You know, let him live in the wild the way God intended for a toad to live. Not to mention I was darn tired of going to the feed store every three days so that Jim the toad could make the Guinness Book of World’s Records as the fattest reptile ever.

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T. GAMBLE: The times, they could be ending

OPINION: The current situation creates longing for the good old days of Kim Kardashian

The Bible says in the end times what once was right will now be wrong and what once was wrong will now be right. Which brings up topics including Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner and the Duggars family scandal.

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T. GAMBLE: A large order of no-fault fries, please

OPINION: It's not my fault I cant push away from the buffet, boss

The highest court in Europe has ruled that gross obesity is now to be considered a disability.

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T. GAMBLE: Still looking down the lonely driveway

OPINION: Her rational mind knows to look each day is folly, but the heart is not rational

Each day she peered down at that country two-laned road. Each day, just like the last, she imagined she’d see him round the curve, slow down, and turn into the drive. And, each day now for over 4,000 days, he did no such thing. … It would not be the way this story ends. She’d already heard the ending.

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T. GAMBLE: Swimming against the tide of climate change

OPINION: The ocean is rising at a quick snails pace

Next time you are at the beach, look at the high-tide mark and then move it forward toward your beach house, hotel, etc., 7 inches. That is where it will be in another 110 years.

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T. GAMBLE: Postal workers picks unusual delivery method

OPINION: Pilot may have future in Congress

I might go to jail protesting because my kid is in jail, or the government took my land, or unfair taxes, or discrimination against gay, transsexual, Scientology, single mothers, but it will be over more than campaign finance reform laws.

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T. GAMBLE: Working up a sweat over non-exercising

OPINION: Conserving heartbeats with the 28 Percent

The Wall Street Journal reports the “Physical Activity Council,” whatever that is, says 28 percent of Americans reported they did not participate in a single physical activity last year. And we are not talking about strenuous activity, as stretching was one of the activities that would qualify as physical activity over the last year.

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T. GAMBLE: Percy Sledge sang brokenhearted soul

OPINION: Angels have a new voice to join them

The passing of singer Percy Sledge brings back memories of seeing him perform in 1988 in Macon.

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T. GAMBLE: Easter Bunny is enjoying prosperous times

OPINION: Easter Bunny gifts have been greatly upgraded in recent years

The concept of the Easter Bunny may be hard to believe, but not as difficult as thinking the Atlanta Falcons might one day win the Super Bowl.

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T. GAMBLE: Airlines should ground safety spiel

OPINION: The last thing you need on a plane is a reminder of the things that can go wrong

There should be federal law that if you do not know how to buckle your seat belt, you are placed on the TSA no-fly list. I do not need a smiling flight attendant to demonstrate this useless contraption.

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T. GAMBLE: Naked at the creek with a Solo cup

OPINION: There must a be truckloads of red plastic cups heading south these days

Country music eventually gets back to its roots, but it goes by way of four-wheel driving, naked creek splashing and going through an unending supply of a certain plastic cup first.

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T. GAMBLE: Will new watch be the Apple of my eye?

OPINION: It appears Apple watch is set to take over the world

Until hearing about the Apple watch, I was under the impression that watches were about to go the way of the slide rule and the telephone booth.

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T. GAMBLE: Planet Fitness has a place for everyone

OPINION: Magic week may be in demand

I recently read where a woman working out at Planet Fitness complained to management about a man changing clothes in the women’s locker room and appearing to enjoy the view as he did so.

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T. GAMBLE: A quick note before I go to the doctor ...

OPINION: This is important stuff, more or less

Without a barrage of overtures to sell you stuff you didn’t know you needed and had gotten along quite well without, how would you make it through life?

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T. GAMBLE: Oscar selections are a Wales of a mess

OPINION: The outrage of bad Oscar awardings goes back nearly 40 years

I see where the Academy Awards have once again awarded best actor and best picture to some film, and to some folks, I’ve never heard of.

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T. GAMBLE: You just can't ignore a loudmouth hundred-dollar bill

OPINION: Cash has a way of slipping out of your wallet

Rather than fear banks with money, worry about self-control with cash. Especially hundred-dollar bills.

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T. GAMBLE: Noah's ark park takes water in tax-break fight

OPINION: Kentucky tax officials nix tax breaks over requirement park employees believe ark was real

I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but if you tell me you are opening a Noah’s ark theme park, naming it Ark Encounter, and your company is Answers in Genesis, I imagine I’d at least have an inkling your employees planned to talk about Noah’s ark and it is doubtful they intend to say it is all a farce.

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T. GAMBLE: Bruce Jenner giving 'going through The Change' a whole new meaning

OPINION: The age of menopause may not be the best time to switch to a woman

Reports say Bruce Jenner, the 65-year-old former Olympic gold medalist, is undergoing a sex change. Hopefully he won’t follow stepdaughter Kim’s predilection for exposing her derriere.

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T. GAMBLE: Electronic gizmos have taken over the world

People don’t go to events these days to enjoy the event. They go to send pictures of themselves at events you chose not to attend.

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T. GAMBLE: What could possibly go wrong?

OPINION: Men might move faster than women, but they mature more slowly

Guys are just smart enough to get themselves in trouble, sometimes at breakneck speed.

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T. GAMBLE: No-yell coaching? What a scream!

OPINION: Hollering is part of the game

The College National Championship game is now over and, once again, the Oregon Ducks came up short in the final game. The reason was quietly revealed several days before the final game was played.

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T. GAMBLE: College football is over, nowtime for depression

OPINION: Mascots of the two championship teams are less than imposing

If Auburn slips much further I fear next year we will play in the Dollar General Bowl, followed by the Dollar Tree Bowl.

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T. GAMBLE: This year, I resolve to not ...

OPINION: Resolutions are made to be broken

There are many things not to be done in 2015.

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T. GAMBLE: An auto corrected Christmas wish

OPINION: Is ho-ho-ho on the way out-out-out?

The politically correct crowd is most likely only a year or two away from auto correcting our Christmas traditions.

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T. GAMBLE: A 'Squatchy' accomplishment in 2014

OPINION: Dumb TV at least makes you feel smarter than what you are watching

Spending too much time in front of the TV leaves you short in the accomplishment department.

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T. GAMBLE: Promise of man being eaten by snake a crushing disappointment

OPINION: Rabid Discovery Channel viewers express anger when snake-eats-man episode does not deliver

Viewers expressed outrage that the lead-up indicated the man would be swallowed, but, instead, he was only almost crushed to death. Until this event, I did not realize Discovery Channel viewers were such a violent lot.

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T. GAMBLE: Stupid virus a new epidemic

OPINION: Im not really stupid, just infected

Researchers find a virus can decrease a person’s IQ by seven to nine points. Apparently it already is an epidemic in Washington, D.C.

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T. GAMBLE: Maybe there is someone for everyone

OPINION: Even murderer Charles Mason has a shot at marital bliss

I read with amazement that Charles Manson is soon to marry 26-year-old Afton Elaine Burton, or Star, as she is most often called.

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T. GAMBLE: Dentist visits sure have changed

OPINION: In the 1960s, dentists seemed to be more ominous

When I was a child, if given a choice between being buried to my neck in a fire ant bed or going to the dentist, I would have chosen the fire ants.

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T. GAMBLE: Well, I didn't see that one coming

OPINION: Middle age has a way of dimming your view

I was one of the lucky ones, being a little over 50 before my eyes suddenly revolted, turned against me and forced me to order food in fancy restaurants by playing point the finger at an item and hope for the best when they bring the plate.

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T. GAMBLE: Its still all about the candy

OPINION: A Halloween carnival by any other name is still processed-sugar sweet

Forget Santa. Give out the “wrong” treats and you’ll get on the kids’ naughty list.

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T. GAMBLE: No way I'll Gamble on mountain climbing

OPINION: Mountain climbing just does not have much appeal

Let me know when they get a driving tour for ascending Mt. Everest going.

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T. GAMBLE: Ebola thing has me in a tizzy

OPINION: The U.S. opted to import this deadly illness

Ebola is one import America could live without.

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T. GAMBLE: Unload the wallet and load up on fun

OPINION: Its hard to look too tacky at a Florida theme park

Universal has great rides, all designed to see if a human being can withstand being upside down at the speed of light while turning at a 90-degree angle. The Hurricane and Princess fare pretty well on such rides. I, on the other hand, now need a full time chiropractor.

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T. GAMBLE: First date not the time to bare all

OPINION: Nudity on the first date can cause some problems, especially with the first dance

As a general rule, blind dates are a bad idea. Blind dates that involve the couple being naked and filmed by a cable TV crew are even worse.

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T. GAMBLE: OK, preacher, here comes the wave

OPINION: Applause at church services still can be uncomfortable

We’re still stuck between modern times, where it is OK to applaud church activity, and old-time doctrine, where clapping in church was considered giving the person praise and not God.

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T. GAMBLE: Pass the cup, the end is near

OPINION: The dreaded red solo cup prophecy comes to a head at the Miss America pageant

Every generation has those who predict the end of the world is near. Finally, a sign that cannot be denied has appeared — on national TV, to boot.

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T. GAMBLE: Do you want cheese on your cheeseburger?

OPINION: Fast-food workers demanding $15 an hour takes the cake

This new movement may actually be much better than Obama’s health care plan in that I will finally be able to quit eating fast food because I will not be able to afford it.

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T. GAMBLE: SEC ready for big 'weak'-end

OPINION: Its a big snooze in the Southland on Saturday

Weak opponents make for some weak games.

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T. GAMBLE: What's in stork for the devout?

OPINION: Nineteen kids gives a whole new meaning to being devout

Jill Dillard, who’s mother, Michelle Duggar, has 19 children, looks to be off to a fast, productive start in her own marriage.

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T. GAMBLE: Incentives make voting a win all around

OPINION: With the cash lottery proposed in L.A., everybody wins

The chance for a lottery payout could be just the thing to get voters back to the polls.

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T. GAMBLE: Some accepted truisms not all that true

OPINION: There is at least one sensible reason for jumping off a high object

Many of the things we have accepted as great truths turn out to be bogus.

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T. GAMBLE: An uncensored time was had by all

OPINION: Glowing nuptial reports brush over real life

According to newspaper accounts, the average newlywed just hit the romance jackpot and nothing but clear sailing, fortune and fun await the glowing couple.

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T. GAMBLE: Everyone's caught in the (Inter)net

OPINION: Some 'great inventions' could be done without

There’s no pathway back to the simpler good ol’ days.

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T. GAMBLE: Weathering the SEC prediction season

OPINION: Determining winners and losers entails mulling records both on field and at the police station

Auburn is ready for another run at a national title … or the SEC cellar.

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T. GAMBLE: World Cup provides a good time for napping

OPINION: Soccer fans get excessively excited over boring stuff

According to recent reports, the United States may be finally joining the world in its soccer craze.

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T. GAMBLE: I keep hitting the wrong beach

OPINION: Golf continues to mar otherwise pleasant strolls

Clubs that drive the ball further only make me go deeper in the woods in search of my golf balls.

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T. GAMBLE: Now that is something to celebrate

OPINION: Reard Day is Aug. 4, and bring your wedding ring

For those who say the French have done nothing to celebrate, take a look at what happened on July 5, 1946.

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T. GAMBLE: Change just hinders my progress

OPINION: Why is it that when you get comfortable with something, someone improves it?

The designers of these new-fangled cars have me swigging Geritol at all hours of the day.

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T. GAMBLE: It's new preacher time for Methodist churches

Methodists swap out ministers regularly, unlike Baptists where a pastor is often there for life

We got our new preacher Sunday and, I must admit, I was favorably impressed. I, of course, have to say this or he’ll put me on the pastor parishioner’s committee.

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T. GAMBLE: Disaster strikes at the movie house

OPINION: There is nothing like a giant lizard movie and pricey popcorn on a Sunday afternoon

The disaster at the concession stand is usually worse than anything the hero of a disaster movie has to deal with.

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T. GAMBLE: Hurricane laces up and leaves port

OPINION: There is nothing like peer pressure to advance your basic skills

Football camp is another stage in growing up.

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T. GAMBLE: It was a 'special' moment at the beach

OPINION: When ice cream harkens, what's a little scratched paint?

An expedition to obtain some ice cream cones becomes an expensive and somewhat embarrassing endeavor.

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T. GAMBLE: Matchmaking rules for pro athletes, entertainers

OPINION: You can guess a star's occupation by the woman whos with him

After watching far too much sports, truisms on affairs of the heart emerge.

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T. GAMBLE: Red wine not healthy? I need a drink

OPINION: A study by Johns Hopkins knocks out last two fun health foods

The sad results of a recent study indicates resveratrol, the so-called healthy ingredient in red wine and chocolate, doesn’t actually improve health.

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T. GAMBLE: Think I’ll stick with handshake, fist bumping

Mark McCormack, sociologist at Durham University in Britain just completed a study about heterosexual males and how they interact.

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T. GAMBLE: Some Pig is hogging the sofa

OPINION: Its a classical situation, music-wise at least

Banned to the outdoors, Some Pig formerly known as Valentino has stormed back inside, laying claim to the sunroom sofa.

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T. GAMBLE: You never know when you'll need a jacket

OPINION: A mother's concern over a child being cold disregards such trivialities as the actual temperature

One constant of motherhood is an inate concern that, regardless of how hot it is, a cold front could suddenly rush in and find her child jacketless.

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T. GAMBLE: Rights break out right and left

OPINION: The explosion of rights in the U.S. could lead to a lot of rich, single Americans

If you snooze through history class, you may think your rights are restricted those actually found in the U.S. Constitution and its amendments.

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T. GAMBLE: Fathead unravels spring cleaning chore

OPINION: A dog is a security system worth its weight in baseballs

An inpromptu “Easter egg” hunt before mowing reveals a collection of used chew toys … but no neighbor’s cat.

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T. GAMBLE: When in doubt, just ask again louder

OPINION: Repeating the question will not make me know the answer

When it comes to answering questions, no means no.

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T. GAMBLE: Naked reality leads to close shaves

OPINION: Reality shows include subtle hints that the reality is not real

One can watch the show “Naked and Afraid” to learn how human beings react to extreme conditions, how they adapt and work together, blah blah blah. Or, one can watch it for the reason I do — because it has naked people on it.

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T. GAMBLE: Study examines sticky food quandary

OPINION: The only certain thing is not death or taxes, it is studying what often is the obvious

British study doesn’t instill a need to amend the 5-second rule for dropped food.

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T. GAMBLE: Congress carves the Ten Amendments

OPINION: The Ten Commandments might look different after Congress got through with them

If God had given the Ten Commandments to Congress instead of Moses, they probably would read a whole lot different today.

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T. GAMBLE: Just not cut out to be in this year

OPINION: Being on the cutting edge of fashion this year has a tough requirement

Announcing sexual preferences seems to be the in thing for 2014.

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T. GAMBLE: Illuminating the loss of another freedom

OPINION: What dim bulb had the bright idea to kill the incandescent light bulb?

America is purportedly the land of freedom, if you don’t count the freedom to read by adequate light.

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T. GAMBLE: Take care when swimming with the fishies

OPINION: Manatees, it turns out, are a lot like buddies back home — slow, fat and docile

While manatees seem relatively benign, giant man-sized fish that look hungry are nothing to play with.

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T. GAMBLE: Never go whole hog at an auction

OPINION: Adult beverages and opportunities to bid on boar hogs don not mix

Nothing says Valentine’s day like an 800-pound hog that’s named Valentine.

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T. GAMBLE: FAA has no compassion for the thirsty

OPINION: Drones could be the answer to safely quenching your thirst

FAA drones on for 74 pages about how flying beer in by remote control is against the rules.

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T. GAMBLE: There's 'snow' way we'd take a snow day

OPINION: In my day, we didn't close school for any reason

The losses of real recess, merry-go-rounds and algebra will take their toll on the latest generation.

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T. GAMBLE: Dennis Rodman more than an embarrassment

OPINION: Even the time-honored excuse of drinking too much does not excuse Dennis Rodmans behavior

Dennis Rodman claims North Korean Dictator Kim is really a good guy, despite the executions and imprisonments that he imposes at a whim.

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T. GAMBLE: Ladies, please coordinate those directions

OPINION: Coping with California traffic is hard, especially with conflicting navigators

Dependence on electronic driving guidance is something that needs recalculating.

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T. GAMBLE: Drawing on a new body of art

OPINION: Art tours of the future may include preserved tattoos

An Amsterdam entrepreneur rocks the art world with his plans to preserve his tattoo after he dies.

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T. GAMBLE: Views of Phil Robertson hardly a surprise

OPINION: Strong religious faith is a cornerstone of the Duck Dynasty family

We live in an age where everyone except bald-headed men wait to be offended.

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T. GAMBLE: School plays are reminders of missed chances for stardom

FEATURES COLUMN: Memories are good, but nothing to experience again

A missed fall on stage stymies the career of a would-be thespian.

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T. GAMBLE: Segway not the best idea of Christmas present

OPINION: As an Auburn fan, his wishes have already been fulfilled

So, how do I again explain that Santa may not bring the Segway? After all, I already got my Santa Claus when Auburn qualified for the national title game in the luckiest football season in the history of college football.

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T. GAMBLE: We can soar like war eagles

OPINION: The Iron Bowl just might move to Pasadena in January for a sequel

Don’t discount the value of a little girl and her prayer rug on Auburn Saturdays.

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T. GAMBLE: Santa questions throw me a curve

FEATURES COLUMN: When the holiday questions get ticklish, think baseball

Santa is just one of the many imponderables of life.

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T. GAMBLE: Auburn's miracle catch dries up the tears

FEATURES COLUMN: Desperation throw rescues Auburn from implosion against Georgia

Tears of agony turned to joy and a little girl’s faith is bolstered as Auburn avoids a heartbreaking loss.

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T. GAMBLE: Bigfoot may need some big fins

OPINION: When searching for Bigfoot, drop by a diving store

Revelation from Terrell County witness indicates so-called experts are looking for Bigfoot in the wrong places.

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T. GAMBLE: T's Guide to Sure Election Victory

OPINION: The secret to a successful political campaign comes in a few easy steps

Great politicians are connected, while beholden to no one, and are the ultimate inside outsiders, as they stand on tradition to effect change.

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T. GAMBLE: I curse the one who first thought Halloween was a good idea

FEATURES COLUMN: I'm shocked PETA has not yet protested school carnivals, slaughter houses for goldfish

Nothing is quite so adorable as seeing a five-year-old girl dressed like Lady Gaga, who, in case you are not aware, dresses like a Las Vegas hooker, only more revealing.

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GAMBLE: Political correctness crowd working overtime

The political correctness crowd has been working overtime lately, which I guess they can do considering they don’t really actually work anywhere but instead spend all their time trying to figure out a new way to be offended.

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GAMBLE: Sideline TV reporters fumble the questions

Features column

As a young boy, I often read about the Roman Empire and was especially enthralled by the stories of gladiators fighting to the death in the arena or helpless victims being fed to the lions. Where are their descendants today? Well, about 90,000-plus were attending the Alabama/Georgia State football game last week.

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GAMBLE: Not the guy I'd want at my pool party

Opinion column

I assume Hamilton, Ohio, is a nice middle-of-the-road values kind of place, probably the kind of the place to raise a family and enjoy summer cookouts. Well, that kind of place unless you live next door to Edwin Tobergta.

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GAMBLE: Chicken vet bills come home to roost

Opinion column

Thousands of people now have chickens as pets, with no intention of eating them or their eggs.

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GAMBLE: End coming to tattoo buyer's remorse in D.C.

Opinion column

There are those among us who believe that the city government of Washington, D.C., has not accomplished much in the last 30 years … except elect convicted crack-cocaine-using former Mayor Marion Barry to the City Council.

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GAMBLE: SEC down to business as usual

Features column

It is that time of year when I review all the SEC football teams, as one of them almost always will be the national champ, unless, of course, you are Vanderbilt, in which case Bowling Green has better odds.

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GAMBLE: Hannah image wasn't all Miley was shaking

Features column

GAMBLE: Hannah image wasn’t all Miley was shaking

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GAMBLE: A man, a wife, a dog and a decision

Features column

There may be no bond stronger than that of man and dog, except perhaps woman and dog. Man may be dog’s best friend, but it appears, at least to woman, dog ranks even higher.

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Don’t get run down getting fit

Features Column

Times are always changing and one generation is left behind while another takes over. What once was considered sacred becomes taboo and what once was considered ridiculous becomes the norm.

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I’m through with the drive-thru

Features Column

I see where the royal couple ignored my well-intentioned suggestion that they name the royal baby Junior and instead chose the predictable, boring name of George. They will live to regret missing the opportunity to bond with the unwashed and rednecks, further widening the gap between royals and the common folk.

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That’s Sir Junior to you, bubba!

Features Column

Finally, in an event I was awaiting with as much anticipation as next year’s curling championships, news comes that the royal baby has been born.

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ER’s a bad place to make a pitch

It seems the news is full of professional athletes acting bad, even some killing folks. Drug arrests, failed drug tests, beating their wives, DUIs ... you know, acting like folks in my neighborhood.

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‘Lone Ranger’ missing out on silver at the box office

Features Column

I see from press reports that the new movie “The Lone Ranger” is not doing as well as Disney hoped when first released. I guess that is an understatement, given that Disney estimates they may lose as much as $250 million on the production.

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Baby names get new direction

Features Column

As the Fourth of July is upon us, I recognize the great sacrifices made by our forefathers in establishing this greatest country on Earth. That is, of course, as opposed to all the great countries not on Earth. We have many ways to remember these historic men, monuments like the cleverly named Washington Monument. We spent a ton of money and years to make it and spent about 30 seconds naming it.

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Let’s keep that border secure, eh?

Features Column

Monday the U.S. Senate passed a bill to “toughen security” on its borders as part of a plan to then pass some type “path to citizenship for illegal aliens” (excuse me, undocumented immigrates or whatever they are called these days).

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Federal Officials scouring Internet’s vast wasteland

Features Column

We now live in the enlightened age of electronic wonder, which means I can look you up on Facebook and find out that Publix no longer has the cheapest steaks and you messed up and bought them there before realizing that they were 40 cents a pound cheaper at Food Lion.

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Charlie Daniels still fiddlin’ hot

Features Column

This past weekend, I went to Wild Adventures with the wife, 8-year-old Hurricane boy and 9-year-old Princess.

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Put my kid in there, coach

Features Columnist

Well, I know summer is almost here because the 7- and 8-year-old machine-pitch baseball league is holding the year-end tournament to decide which team managed to sneak in the most 9- and 10-year-olds to win the tournament.

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Common man’s buying guide

Features column

Recently I was reviewing a brochure with hundreds of tracts of land for sale and also the same number of houses.

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Possum gave country music meaning

Features Columnist

The 8-year-old Hurricane Boy has been strangely quiet as of late. Of course, that probably means a Category 5 eruption could be around the bend at any moment.

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Rest easy, America, the FBI will handle it

Features Column

The late great Lewis Grizzard once wrote a book titled “Elvis is Dead and I Don’t Feel So Good Myself.” Well, I don’t feel so great myself, but don’t tell thousands of Elvis impersonators across the country that Elvis is dead. Every town with a population of at least 100,000 has an Elvis impersonator, and they even have a yearly contest to name the best each year.

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Sears' photo demise a negative development

Features Column

If you need any further proof that our society is crumbling at its core, I now read that Sears has decided to discontinue family portraits.

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Letter to Santa a bid for biddies

Features Column

The letter was sweet and to the point, as are most letters written to Santa Claus.

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Arming New Yorkers might help

Features column

Well, it took a few years but we finally have the great gun debate going on throughout the land. Ban them all or keep them all; depends on whether you live in Dawson, Georgia or New York City as to where you fall on the issue.

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Wanted: One adventurous woman

In case the Taliban and Al Franken aren’t enough to worry about, Harvard Professor George Church recently announced he wishes to clone a Neanderthal man.

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Motivational speaker tells of Vegas secret

Well, the holidays always bring a surprise or two but thankfully not nearly as large a surprise as Suzy Favor Hamilton revealed.

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Motivational speaker tells of Vegas secret

Features column

Well, the holidays always bring a surprise or two but thankfully not nearly as large a surprise as Suzy Favor Hamilton revealed.

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Elf is something I'd like to shelf

Features column

Elf On a Shelf. Elf on a Shelf. May the creator of this plague upon Christmas holiday tranquility be forced to celebrate Christmas with Rosanne Barr and Ellen Degenerate.

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Ovens for boys a half-baked idea

Features Column

In the never ending effort to pretend that everyone is exactly the same and to prove that no one can say anything about anybody without being either prejudiced, stereotyping, or profiling, I see where a petition has been made to Easy- Bake Oven to include boys on their boxes in advertising.

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I am thankful for Parton and being an American

Features column

Well, Thanksgiving has now come and gone but reasons for being thankful continue. I’m first thankful to read that Dolly Parton has now come forward and denied rumors and allegations that she is gay.

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Thankful for the love of an Angel

Opinion column

It was love at first sight, at least for her. But who could blame her staring intently back at me? After all, what’s not to love? Dark raven black hair, steely dark eyes, and an anxious gaze of anticipation all told me this would be a match made in heaven.

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Election’s done; have a slice of fruitcake

Opinion Column

Well, the presidential election has finally ended, and now you will no longer be entertained by an avalanche of ads.

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Maybe America won’t miss a beat

By the time this article is read, the presidential election will be decided. I can’t possibly predict the results, but it got me to reflecting back to simpler times when I was a much younger man.

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Come this Wednesday, let the horror scenarios begin

Opinion Column

I traveled this past weekend to Hilton Head to visit my wife’s relatives. The 7-year-old Hurricane boy and 9-year-old princess found out we were leaving for the beach and ran the car down before I could get out of the driveway.

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Here’s some change you can believe in

Opinion Column

Two weeks ago, France celebrated one of its great achievements in history. No, it was not the fact they managed to last 10 days before Germany routed them in World War II, nor was it celebrating the French 32-hour work week and 54 weekly paychecks in a 52-week year. Those accomplishments are already being continually celebrated in France while the Germans work overtime to pay so the French do not have to work.

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Brother, can you spare a tire?

Features column

It is now official. America is going to hell in a handbasket. This fact is very disturbing and it may even be more serious than I know because, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what in the world going to hell in a handbasket really means to begin with.

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What the doom was I just saying?

Features column

The 7-year-old Hurricane boy is currently playing football in a tackle football league. He’s playing what we use to refer to as midget football. I guess it is no longer politically correct to say midget football and I’m not sure what I am supposed to call the game he is playing.

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Money makes world go round

The 9-year-old princess girl was expounding on the qualities she felt essential in a marriage partner. “He’d need to be caring, daddy, and a good person. He’d need to love animals and love God, too, daddy.” I could feel a tear building up in my eye. The sweet, sensitive, all caring little princess then finished with the grand finale, the clincher, “and own a bunch of land and be rich too.”

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No crown required when I get to a retirement home

As all men know, time marches on. Although I do not consider myself old, I realize that somewhere down the line I may be faced with the prospect placement in a nursing home or as more fashionably titled these days, an assisted living home.

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Kate joins the royal nudity club

Just when I thought Prince Harry and the British Royal Family were through with further public humiliations, the news is now abuzz that Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, and commonly known as Kate, has been photographed topless.

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Prince Harry and Auburn fans are facing hard times

As described in a previous article, Prince Harry of Britain romped in the buff throughout Las Vegas and used the judgment of Lindsey Lohan allowing one of the women with him to take pictures of the joyful occasion.

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Good behavior isn't something that's being broadcast

The 7-year-old hurricane boy, 9-year-old princess girl, mamma and poor ol' daddy went to town to return some shoes that were too small for the princess. Rest assured, it was not my idea. I've never returned an item to a store in my life. If I got home and had a tutu in my bag, I'd wear it.

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Prince’s Vegas ‘secret’ gets bared

It was some time ago when the 7-year-old hurricane boy was not quite yet six. We were visiting an old friend, both in his age and the years we’d shared together.

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Women at Augusta National?

I recently read the following headline from U.S. News & World Report concerning an article by Health Day reporter Alan Mozes. The headline read, “College Students Who Binge Drink Say They’re Happier.”

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If you must drink too much, wear pants

There are many mysteries in the universe for which there seems to be no answer. How did they build the great pyramids and why?

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Wholesome TV just a pipe dream now

Recently I read where Don Grady, the actor who played the character Robbie on the long-running TV series “My Three Sons,” died.

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Cussing works across the generations

As a general rule, I do not spend much time envying what someone else has. I must admit, however, I do envy those rare guys who keep all their tools neatly aligned in their shop.

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Family pet decides fate of baby goose

The 8-year-old princess girl has been on a real rampage to salvage the world. The princess would make Sally Struthers look like a cold-hearted grinch.

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San Fran laws strips away modesty

The beautiful city of San Francisco, Calif., which gave us such wonderful treasures as Nancy Pelosi and America’s first Gay Day Parade, has now added another feather in its hat. It seems that San Francisco, by law, allows anyone to walk the public streets of San Francisco in the nude and to enter any business establishment that serves the public, nude as well.

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Maybe there's an award for the most trophies

Last week, I went down to Destin, Fla., to attend the Georgia Press Association's awards dinner. The awards dinner is designed to give awards to newspapers for excellence in coverage, articles written, editorials, etc. I was a beneficiary of one of the awards and will not bore you with the details. Rather, I noticed a growing trend concerning awards.

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I ain't just playing possum here, folks

I, like many Americans, have now decided that I will be dropping out of America's labor force. At least, I intend to drop out from my current position as a small-town lawyer and try to move my life into another direction.

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‘Follow the leader’ isn’t very relaxing

While vacationing at the beach, I have noticed a few phenomenons which I think are universal to the human race.

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Friends move with winds of time

The little 7-year-old hurricane boy is sad. There is nothing much worse than seeing a sad hurricane. If this continues, he might become a tropical depression. He's sad because one of his good friends may not be returning to his school next year.

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New Yorkers face soda pop cops

In case you needed another reason to avoid going to New York City, Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on serving sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, delis, sports arenas and movie theaters if the drink is more than 16 ounces.

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Summertime's nothing to snipe at

This past week at church the younger children sang a few songs at the 11 o'clock service. On this particular occasion, the kids met about an hour before service and practiced the songs they would sing. There had been no practice previously, so they had to learn the songs that morning prior to singing.

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Certainties in life dog us always

Benjamin Franklin once famously stated there are only two things that are certain in life, death and taxes. I’m never one to quibble with the founding fathers but I think there may be a few other things that are certain in life.

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Poor judgment with toothache by Marek Olszewski

Life has many lessons that one must learn over the years. Some are relatively simple such as don’t put your hand on a hot stove. Other lessons may take time to learn and some you would not even consider until the situation arises.

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Cell phones more crafty than smart

As we all know, technology is rapidly evolving such that what was very useful a few years ago can become obsolete almost overnight. I am constantly amazed at how something that seemed to be perfect a few years ago can become “old hat” a few years later.

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Inspiration gets whupped up at one sorry breakfast

The 7-year-old hurricane boy continues to plough through life unabated, leaving a path of destruction and mayhem wherever he goes.

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That Miss Universe ... what a guy!

Just in case there is any need for further proof that I am being trampled and left behind in the dust of changing values in this country, I learn that the Miss Universe Pageant has decided to allow transgender women to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant.

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Real men don't cry over sports

The Wall Street Journal recently published an article concerning basketball's March Madness. The article was titled "March Madness Turns Into Crying Game." It was talking about the recent trend where players cry after crushing defeats or uplifting wins.

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Swinging time in Vegas left me rattled

For the first time in my sheltered life, I went to Las Vegas. Sodom and Gomorra look like a tent revival compared to Vegas.

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A fruit fly walked into a bar and ...

I remember somewhere around junior high school studying genetics. All the studies seemed to revolve around the behavior of fruit flies.

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Bacon may bring you closer to heaven

Just in case there is not enough news from the city of Detroit to disgust you, I’ll add one new tidbit. You may have seen where Amanda Clayton won $1 million in the lottery and was then followed by Channel 4 Detroit News, which showed her still purchasing food on a Bridge card, which is the state version of food stamps in Michigan.

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What would you spend $8,100 on?

In the continuing saga of Americans willing to pay for any item known to man that supposedly looks like any other item known to man, I am now stunned to learn that a Chicken McNugget found by Rebekah Speight of Dakota City, Neb., which is alleged to have looked like President George Washington, sold for $8,100 on ebay.

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A little wine goes a long way in France

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal titled “Why French Parents are Superior.”

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We pick up the tab for other people’s ‘fun’

I’m increasingly amused by the newest arguments over contraceptives. As everyone knows, the president has ordered insurance companies must provide contraceptive coverage for anyone being insured by an employer.

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What constitutes an emergency?

I saw recently where Congress and the president have agreed to continue the current program of providing cell phones, free of charge, to anyone who is receiving food stamps. (When did 911 become the number to call for emergencies? Take the Quik Quiz to find out.)

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‘Express yourself’ on that special day

Well, they held the big event again Sunday night. I’m talking, of course, about Madonna’s halftime show. I mean, did anyone really care about the Super Bowl?

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Ghost show spooks princess

A few weeks ago, I wrote about watching “Finding Bigfoot” with the 7-year-old hurricane boy. He loves to watch anything involving monsters, dinosaurs or destruction.

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