I am a fairly tolerant person. I am also fairly conservative such that I don’t really care if you dress up like a woman, even though you are 6-foot-5 and weigh 375. It is entirely your business if you go home and sleep with someone of the same sex. I may not agree with it but, hey, it’s not me that’s spooning with a hairy pot-bellied guy.

You can believe that there are more than two genders and pretend you are any one of thousands of alternative genders or designations that the human mind will allow you to embrace. But please, quit trying to shove all that down my throat. If that is what you believe, then believe it, but quit trying to turn the world upside down and tell everyone that does not walk in lockstep with you that they are then a bigot, evil, immoral or whatever else you can think of.

Your choice to live on the fringe, which you have every right to do, does not in any way change the norms of the world and certainly does not make someone who disagrees with those things immoral.

With all that said, a more pressing issue has now arisen. Some people have now decided it is a good idea to take cartons of Blue Bell ice cream in the store, remove the lid, lick the top of the ice cream and then place it back on the shelf. I call for the immediate execution of anyone doing such a thing. Perhaps we can bring back removing tongues as a proper punishment.

I was willing to buy up all the Blue Bell ice cream I could find when I learned they were out of production because of a Listeria outbreak. I had never heard of Listeria before Blue Bell pulled their ice cream and took it off the market for almost a year. I refer to this period of time in my life as the year without sunshine. I was willing to tempt death to continue eating Blue Bell, but now they are licking the ice cream and putting it back on the shelf.

Has society no shame? I can already see what will happen next. Just like when some fool tampered with Tylenol and poisoned folks. All over-the-counter drug folks then made tamper-proof containers. I keep a loaded .44 magnum at the house just so I can blow the top off most tamper-proof containers, lest I spend hours trying to open them.

Please don’t start wrapping my ice cream in tight-stretched plastic wrap. For God’s sake, don’t make it childproof. I’d rather try to pick the lock at Fort Knox than try and open a childproof container. I might go into sugar deprivation shock before I can successfully open the package. When I need ice cream, I need it like the guy on the commercial that wants to sell his annuity and get some money right now.

“It’s mine. I need it now. It’s my ice cream.”

The saving grace for all of this is the fools, for the most part, are dumb enough to film themselves doing the crime. I say start a task force that does nothing but monitor these films and then investigate and arrest them. Depriving society of ice cream is too important of a right to take a chance with. The Bible says “Eat, drink and be merry.” I think it meant eat ice cream and be merry. The Constitution of the United States says we are all endowed with inalienable rights, including the right to eat ice cream unabated and without fear of it being licked. As a strict Constitutionalist, I must demand nothing less.

Email T Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.

Stay Informed