I am afraid our country has lost all semblance of decency over the last few years. I am, of course, talking about the onslaught of toilet paper commercials and the like on television. I mean nothing else would make you think such a thing, would it?

But really, I grew up with Mr. Whipple squeezing the Charmin. I can understand why anyone might want soft toilet paper. But now, I go shopping and see perfumed toilet paper. Exactly what in the world is that for? To tell you the truth, I don’t want to think too deeply about that one. You’ve got one ply, and two ply, and even triple ply. Angelina Jolie says to save the world we should use only one square from a toilet roll each time. Angelina obviously never got tequila drunk and then ate at the Waffle House. That also reminds me why I would never have asked her out, along with the fact she does not know I am alive, would laugh in my face, and I’m married.

America also has discovered that in times of crisis, no matter the circumstance nor the situation, we buy bulk amounts of toilet paper. Hurricane coming? Buy toilet paper. COVID-19 here? Buy more toilet paper. Election crisis? Buy even more toilet paper. If D-Day had occurred June 6, 2020, every soldier who stormed the beach of Normandy would have had at least five rolls of toilet paper in their backpacks. I have no idea why you need toilet paper after a hurricane. Maybe it scared the you know what out of you and it is needed right away.

What does COVID-19 have to do with toilet paper? I know it gives you a fever, cough, you feel very tired, it’s hard to breath, but for the most part it doesn’t cause many issues on that end. Maybe you can cuddle up to the three ply. I just don’t know.

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But now, they even have a commercial jingle singing about a clean hiney and God knows what else. I could have lived a long, productive life without ever hearing about a clean hiney. I have also listened to songs about rock and roll, love gained and love lost, hell raising, and faithful dogs, and drunks, and cheating. But I have never listened to a song about a clean hiney until now, on a TV/radio commercial no less.

With all this obsession about toilet paper, Americans have let me down where it counts the most. I am not a big follower of the TV show “Naked and Afraid,” but I do check on it every now and then. I mean, it has naked folks on it and as an American I am required to watch at least long enough to be offended. But anyway, as most know, two humans, a male and a female — unless you are in Congress, then it would be called a sibling and a parent or something — are placed for 21 days in a forbidden location, naked, where they must survive. They can bring only one item to help in their stay in the jungle, or desert, or tropical forest. Usually they bring a machete, or a Firestarter, or a lighter, or some rope. Not once, I tell you, has anyone brought toilet paper.

Do you know how bad things might get after 21 days in the jungle without toilet paper? By about day 10, I imagine the camera crew starts refusing to film anymore. If I were on the show, I’d show up with a Sam’s Club 36 pack of Angel Soft, but that’s just me.

Oh well, sleep tight, the country is talking about a revolution. If Paul Revere had toilet paper back when the original revolution occurred, I bet he would have passed out a roll to every house as he exclaimed “the British are coming, the British are coming” ... and some toilet paper too. Have no fear, America has enough toilet paper to ride out such an event.

Email T Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.

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