The Olympics have now officially jumped the shark and entered a realm of unimaginable uselessness concerning the 2024 games. This once proud organization that pitted the greatest athletes from all over the world, to say who is the best in the world, has just now announced that break dancing will be an Olympic sport in 2024.

I will repeat myself to give you time to get back up off the floor and stop your convulsions: The Olympics have announced that break dancing will be the newest sport added along with surfing, sport climbing and skateboarding.

I should have known this would happen after Bruce Jenner, a former Olympic decathlon champ, decided he was no longer a he and became a she, or at least claimed to be a she. There is no word yet on whether or not he has actually completed the transformation. I’m not sure what the ancient Greeks would think about all of this.

You see, in a time far, far away, Pheidippides ran 26 miles from Marathon to Athens to inform the Greeks of a great victory over the Persians. He exclaimed, “Joy we win” and promptly died. And that is precisely the reason I do not, under any circumstance, run marathons. After this heroic run, the marathon event was created, along with many other tests of strength and endurance. And now, we have the test of break dancing, which by the way, will be called only “breaking” in the Games.

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I once sat glued to the television as I watched my heroes box and lift great weights and ski down huge hills. Now I suppose I will see parachute pants and folks spinning on their rear ends while flashing all sorts of finger signs on the side.

Michelle Martin, a great squash player from Australia, says it is the end of the Olympics as we know it. She has been trying for 30 years to have squash added as a sport. Squash is played indoors in a four-walled room with a rubber ball by two or four people. It is similar to handball, but with a racket. It has existed since before the times of the Greeks. But instead, we got breaking, which has been around since the advent of time as toddlers whirled around on their backsides.

I once witnessed a great break dance routine as a friend of mine, who shall remain nameless to protect what little dignity he has left or ever had for that matter, decided one night to break dance at the famous P-2 club in Albany. He was wearing red parachute pants, as they had just come out. He was lanky, skinny and bow-legged. He looked a lot like one of the folks on “The Hills Have Eyes” suffering from radiation mutation. The P-2 had a dance floor surrounded by beveled glass on each wall. He began to spin and gyrate and then went for the all-important spin around on the backside maneuver. He spun rapidly around and around and then crashed into the hard-mirrored surface. The bouncers mercifully led him away outside after he regained consciousness.

And to think, if only break dancing had been an Olympic sport back then. He might have been famous. But life is cruel, and all he has to show for it is memory loss caused by the crash or maybe by what he imbibed before the crash, I never was sure about that. Hopefully, I’ll still be around for 2024. I wouldn’t miss the finals of breaking under any circumstance.

Contact columnist T. Gamble


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