Cats. People either love them or hate them. I am a dog person but I also have cats, so I don’t know where I fit in. As we all know, people have dogs because they are a big ego booster — not because you can brag about the type of beautiful dog you have, but rather because the dog thinks you are so wonderful. There is nothing else on Earth that will worship you like a dog.

Cats don’t worship anything. They are agnostic. They worship only themselves, so I guess they are really narcissists. Cats come if they decide to when you call. They sleep where they want, go where they want and fuss at you if they do not get what they want. They are selfish, egotistical and delusional. If they were a person, they would be a dictator in North Korea.

Cats are also the ultimate killing machine. Recently released wildlife statistics estimate domestic cats kill 1.2 billion birds per year in America. I read an article where a cat that was fitted with a camera for one year killed over 1,000 animals during the year. No wonder dogs try to kill them whenever they can. The dog looks around and says, “I gotta put a stop to all this.” Cats are the Charles Mansons of the animal kingdom.

But you still kinda have to admire how darned independent they are. Recently, a 5-year-old cat named Hatty in England became “trapped” on the Royal Albert Bridge for six days, and a rescue team spent $7,500 trying to save her. I don’t know how they spent $7,500. Whatever happened to putting out a couple of cans of Chicken of the Sea and seeing what happens? Firefighters could not get to Hatty, the train system shut down to keep from hurting her and the Royal Society for the prevention of Cruelty to Animals showed up. I’m sure the RSPCA was most helpful in rescuing Hatty.

The entire event became a media sensation with everyone worried about poor Hatty trapped on the bridge, near starvation and dehydration. After six days, firefighters decided to call it quits for the day and planned to return the next day. Unbeknowest to them, Hatty had already climbed down and walked right by all firefighters and media back to her owner’s house where she ate and then went to sleep in her bed.

Her owner reported she was skinny, smelly and vocal on return, sort of like Sean Penn. I don’t mean to be disparaging, but if my house catches on fire, please don’t send any firefighters from England to help out. I assume the media must be the same folks that are covering the Trump-Russian collusion fiasco. A lot of stuff appears to just walk on by them.

As for Hatty, her owner says she’ll keep her in the house for a while until she learns to behave better. Oh, yeah, good luck with that one.

Email T Gamble at wtg@colliergamble.com.

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