AMY DICKINSON: Cousin debates exposing brutal truth

DEAR AMY: My younger cousin, “Thomas,” recently moved close enough to make visits between us possible. Thomas is married to a lovely woman. They’ve extended an invitation to me, my husband, and adult children to come to their new place for dinner. This would be lovely, except his father, who was married to my mother’s sister, sexually molested me and my sister when we were young.

I have no desire to be anywhere near this creepy uncle. I never let him near my own children, unsupervised, when they were young, and they have no relationship with him. My mother and her sister are both long-deceased, and I have no idea if they knew what was going on when my sister or I would babysit for Thomas and sleep at the house overnight.

My dad mentioned knowing about this before he died. I am sad that he didn’t confront his brother-in-law and protect his own daughters.

How do I beg off visiting my cousin without opening up this can of worms? They have no children, so at least that’s not something I need to be vigilant about. I could invite him and his wife to my place, but they’re understandably eager for us to see their new home.

But I am so NOT eager to see the creepy uncle, although he is now elderly and feeble. I don’t want to lose the connection with my cousin, but I don’t have any good reasons/excuses without being brutally honest, which I’m hoping to not have to be in this case. Your wisdom is much appreciated.

— Weary and Wary

DEAR WEARY:

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your sister and that you didn’t have the support and protection of family members. You don’t mention if this creepy uncle of yours lives in “Thomas’s” household, or if he would be present if you visited. I see your overall dilemma as a question of whether you should tell — or keep silent — about this aspect of your life. You frame delivering the truth as being “brutally honest.” But I wonder if you could approach this with less brutality and more compassion — both toward yourself and also your cousin, who might have had some awareness of this, or perhaps been a victim, himself.

A therapist could help you to weigh these options. If you do decide to tell, you could start by saying, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this. I’m very fond of you and want to continue to have a close relationship. This is heartbreaking for me, and I know it will be hard for you, but I need to tell you the truth about what happened to me …”

DEAR AMY:

Your question from “Caring for Canines” was from a wife who felt stuck taking care of the dogs on weekends when her husband was bird-watching. I was quite surprised by your suggestion her husband should “compensate you for the cost he would pay an outside source.”

That assumes that (1) they have totally separate finances (my husband and I of 40 years do not) and (2) that their financial situation is such that they interact as “financial strangers.” Beyond finances, the idea that one would compensate a spouse suggests a very slim intimacy.

— Shocked

DEAR SHOCKED:

I don’t assume that this dual-income couple has separate finances, but one spouse compensating the other for an extra imposition is, in my opinion, a somewhat playful way to recognize the value of her willingness to stay home and care for the dogs.