CARLTON FLETCHER: A nostalgic look back at ‘Must NOT See TV’

While talking about the quality of today’s TV fare with my wife and daughter this week, my wife made a statement that I quickly seconded:

“No matter what they have on TV today, nothing can ever be as bad as ‘Hee-Haw.’”

No offense to Buck (Owens) — can’t forget his “Buckaroos” — and Roy (Clark) or even Gran’pa Jones, Archie Campbell, Junior Samples, Lulu Roman, Gordie Tapp, Minnie Pearl, Misty Rowe, Gailard Sartain and the gang, “Hee-Haw” was in a category of “Must NOT See TV” all its own.

As my wife and I talked about the horrible puns and skits that were a regular part of the goings-on in “Kornfield County” — and I sang some of the memorable ditties that were a regular part of the show — the 15-year-old’s eyes grew increasingly wider.

“Uh-uh,” she said. “That’s not real. Y’all are making that up.”

Oh, no, we assured her. Heck, I don’t even have an imagination that vibrant.

The more we recalled from the show, the more incredulous our teenager got. She asked a question of her mother and me, and I’m sure to her generation it’s one that makes perfect sense: “Why did you guys watch this show? Why didn’t you just change the channel?”

Her mother explained how, in her house, her Pops ruled the airwaves, and he decided what shows would be allowed on the family TV … at least until she saved up some of her own money and bought her own TV for her room. I explained that, while my Dad was the arbiter of all things entertainment in our house as well, it wouldn’t have mattered if he didn’t actually love “Hee-Haw,” which he did, by the way. We could get only one channel at that time, and it was “Hee-Haw” or nothing.

The more we talked about this long-ago series, the more things came to mind, Like:

“Hey, gran’pa, what’s for dinner?” “Hog jowls, black-eyed peas, collard greens, pig’s knuckles, corn pone and a fresh-baked crabapple pie.” “YUM!”

There was ole Gran’pa or Roy picking out a tune on the banjer; a witty exchange featuring the Daisy Dukes-wearing (before there was a Daisy Duke) “Hee-Haw Honeys;” Junior flubbing pretty much every skit he was in because he couldn’t pronounce a word that had more than two syllables; the extra-plus-sized Lulu dishing out wisdom at her truck stop, KORN News, “I’m a-pickin’ and I’m a-grinnin’,” the “Hee-Haw” dictionary, “Hee-Haw” salutes Ocilla, Georgia, population 3,849 … SAAA-LUUUTE!” Archie’s Barber Shop, Misty’s bed-time stories.

And we can’t forget: “Gloom, despair and agony on me — oh! Deep dark depression, excessive misery — oh! If it weren’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me.”

After reminiscing about all the memorable — that being bad — elements of “Hee-Haw,” and spending a good part of the evening laughing about them, I went to bed for the evening. However, I awoke at 4 a.m., and as soon as my eyes opened, this popped into my head:

”Where, oh, where are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over and I thought I found true love, But you met another and pfffffttt! you were gone.”

(Damn you, Archie Campbell and Gordie Tapp!)

Yes, I’d somehow allowed perhaps the signature element of the “Hee-Haw” universe (“Hee-Haw” nation?) to slip my mind. I woke my daughter up to that tune, and again she swore that her mother and I were putting her on.

Ahh, but you know these millennials and how clever they are. When I got home from work the evening after the impromptu TV history lesson, my daughter said excitedly, “I’ve got something cool for you.” Which in the Fletcher household can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what kind of mood my daughter is in.

She made me close my eyes and hold out my hand — a dicey proposition … see above — and then she placed something in my outstretched fingers. When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t help but laugh. A lot. My clever daughter had found a DVD collection of “Hee-Haw” classic skits.

So guess what we’ll be doing when I get off work tonight.

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